IVF#3, fresh 5-day transfer

• Update for May 2019
• May 8 - RETRIEVAL! = 13 eggs (same number as IVF#2!).
• May 9 - fertilization report = 9 mature eggs, 6 fertilized
• May 10 - 3-day transfer moved to 5-day transfer. 
• Two 8B cell embryos, one 7B embryo, one 6B embryo and one 5B embryo...all growing
• May 13 - 5-day transfer. Transferred two blastocyst, 3BB and 2BB. 
• May 23 - testing

I'm back. 2018-2019 Timeline update!

2018

• May 2018 - Road to IVF #2. (Now 36 years old, DH 37 years old. Have 5.5 year old from successful IVF #1.)
• returned to New England area. Got a job with great medical benefits (covers IVF!). On a mission here!
• May-June 2018
• update testing
• August 2018
• begin medication - Lup.ron and Go.nal F
• September 2018 - IVF #2!
• Retrieval! - results = 13 eggs retrieved
• OHSS - Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome
• Doc decides to see how many make it to Day 5 for freezing
• Only ONE makes it to freezing
• October 2018
• begin estrogen pills and estrogen patch
• November 2018
• Transfer our only snow embie
• Late November 2018 - BFP! So excited. Heartbeat at 127.

2019

• January 2019 - prenatal screening. Results come back as 9/10 chance for Tri.somy 18.
• Devastated doesn't even come close to describing how we feel.
• Decide to do CVS (chorionic villus sampling, where they take a bit of placenta for testing) diagnostic test - results return as confirmed for Tri.somy 18
• Begin to bleed profusely. End up in the ER. Doctors are afraid for my life.
• Emergency D&E performed to save me. 
• Very loved and wanted baby joins God in heaven at 12 weeks. Again, utterly and completely devastated. 
• February - April 2019
• Nothing but healing emotionally. Physically, already feel back to normal
• Late April 2019 - IVF #3 (now 37 years old, DH 38 years old, 6.5 year old from IVF#1)
• Back to treatments. Begin BCP for two weeks, then Lup.ron for two weeks
• April 26, begin Gon.al F shots
• May 2019
• May 8 - RETRIEVAL! = 13 eggs (same number as IVF#2!).

The all too familiar lonely line...

The all too familiar lonely line... Yes, that's what I saw on the HPT today at 9 days past 5 day transfer.

I woke up this morning around 5:45 am with the urge to pee. I decided to go ahead and POAS, but wait until after coming back from the lab to look at it. I carefully placed it under the sink and went back to sleep until it was time to head to the lab around 7 am.

I looked at the stick after I returned from the lab and very clearly saw just.one.lonely.line.

I wasn't feeling very hopeful. Partly because I've felt lots of things happen in the last few days. Here is the updated list of symptoms -

8dp5dt

• Light pain and cramping on the left side of my uterus
• Heaviness feeling in uterus
• My breasts feel heavier & look bigger. Also, I felt a bit of tingling in them. Sort of like what a 'let down' feels like when you are breastfeeding. 

9dp5dt 

• Cramps 
• Heaviness feeling in uterus 
• Same deal with my boobs (heavier, bigger, let down & tingly feeling).

You would think that these symptoms would be reassuring, but just knowing my body, I didn't feel hopeful that this was from pregnancy. I felt a lot of these same symptoms after my 3 medicated IUIs, when I swore I would see a BFP. I never did. I didn't have ANY symptoms (except for the urge to pee in the middle of the night) after my fresh IVF transfer. And that is the ONLY time I have seen a BFP -  it was 11 days past a 3 day transfer (read more on that here March 2012). I felt amazing while pregnant. I had more energy than ever before. It was very strange. I think my hormones were finally stable. Who knows, really?

My doctor in Boston had to send over the paperwork to the lab here in Texas. The lab was suppose to send the results back by end of day today. That apparently didn't happen. I'm pretty sure it's going to be negative for pregnancy, but still have to wait for them to confirm it. Blah!

I have surprisingly felt okay about it. Not what I thought I would feel. I cried a little while I prepared breakfast for my son.

Then I felt a wave of gratefulness. After 5 procedures - 3 medicated IUIs, 1 IVF, and 1 FET -  lots of tears and prayers, I still have my son. I was reminded how blessed I am when he said very sweetly, "Thank you, Mommy!" as I fed him breakfast. Seriously, how amazing is that?!?

I'm sad I won't get to see what that embie could have been. How it could have fit into our family. I'm comforted in knowing that I did everything I could to help make this successful, but I know that no matter what, the end result would be out of my hands.

I'm not sure what we're going to do next. We have no embryos left and we don't have the money to pay for another IVF. I know that we won't completely give up on having another child, I'm just not sure how that will happen.

Sad, but mostly grateful.

Update: I got a call from the nurse today. I mentioned to her that I've been having cramps for the past few days. I thought I was getting cysts from the meds (could still be possible), but she said it is likely due to the fact that AF is on her way. Great. So that's that...it is confirmed that our FET was a BFN.

Hope...hanging by a thread

If you are visiting from ICLW, welcome and thanks for stopping by. Sorry this post isn't going to sound very optimistic.

I am currently 8 days past our 5 day transfer (frozen embryo from our 2012 IVF). The embryo was rated by our clinic as a 3BB, which is apparently pretty average. I have not POAS and I'm honestly just plain terrified. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also hope for the best. It's nothing but a mind game. The google devil doesn't help, and I'm glad I have stopped googling for a few days now. I feel things, I'm just not sure they are pregnancy things.

Just because I started keeping track of symptoms, here is the list I've noted for 5dp5dt -7dp5dt (I'll tell you this, it's not very exciting):

5dp5dt

•  smells seemed stronger

6dp5dt

• nothing

7dp5dt

• dizzy
• aversion to Lasagna for dinner.
• Dreamt that a child from the Duggar Family (family in the US that has 19 kids) was given to me as a consolation prize for getting a BFN. WTH?

So far, my list looks hopeful, but one thing that keeps me thinking that this did not work, is that I'm not really waking up in the middle of the night to pee. With my first IVF fresh transfer, I noticed I was getting up at 2 am to use the bathroom the night after the transfer and we ended up getting a BFP. Why am I basing everything on this one thing? I have no idea. Some moments in the day, I feel tugging, I feel a heaviness in my uterus, I feel something going on. Then other moments, everything is gone. Ahhhh!!!

I'm trying to prepare myself for a negative in case that happens. I'm not motivated to do anything or go anywhere until I find out. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting and waiting for the time to pass. I'm not enjoying every moment of the day. I feel anxious and scared. What will happen if this doesn't work? Will we one day be able to add to our family? At the same time I feel extremely fortunate that we have our son. That through years of trying, our first IVF was successful and we brought home an amazing person. You would think that that would make me feel better. Maybe feel complete, but it doesn't. Infertility sticks around, and you try to fight it even more the second time around. You know how great is it to finally feel like you defeated IF, but then you find yourself back to the same place. Hopeful, then scared, then angry, then anxious... and back to hopeful.

Beta is tomorrow.

AHHH! (and I'm back at 'scared').

Feelings/symptoms 1dp5dt-4dp5dt

I'll try my best to post how I'm feeling during my 9 day wait until beta. I think I'm probably imagining most of the symptoms though. At this point, I'm not sure what is real and what I'm just hoping for. My mind is playing games on me, as it always does when I'm awaiting a beta.

Here are the days so far -

1dp5dt

• Exhausted from traveling
• Migraine - vomit, pain, couldn't eat for 24 hours. Ended up sleeping 12 hours to get rid of the pain. Migraines are pretty common for me at least 1 a month, so I'm not sure I can count this as a 'symptom' 
• Weird dreams - dreamt that for some reason, DH had left a fish fillet in the shower and I discovered it days later after the smell took over our house. Where the heck did that dream come from? 

2dp5dt

• Headache
• Nauseous
• Dizzy
• Weird dreams -  I dreamt that a high school friend was really rude to me when I asked for her help with something. When I woke up I was so mad and really wanted to delete her from my FB friends list. I don't really keep in touch with this person. Don't think I've talked to her since hs, so I have no idea where that came from. Very strange.
• Tightness in cervix area - I noticed this while inserting the Crinone applicator

3dp5dt

• Bloated
• Maybe crampy?
• A slight tinge of heartburn - again, maybe this one is a big imagined one
• Smells - my husband was eating tuna from a can for dinner and it really grossed me out.
• Tightness in cervix area, overall, just feels strange

4dp5dt

• Emotional, feeling sad
• Slight cramping
• Diarrhea
• Smells bothered me a bit
• Tiny little brown spot on panty liner - I have no idea what this was, but I'm hoping it's not AF making it's way here

So that's what I've noted so far. I'm not feeling very optimistic today. I can't really explain why. Maybe all the googling of symptoms? Why, oh why do I torture myself? IF has officially made me crazy...

Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), CD 26

I flew up to Boston a couple of days before the transfer just in case there were flight delays and also to get situated with accommodations and transportation. It felt very strange to leave my 20-month-old (miracle from IVF #1) for the very first time overnight. I was sad about it, but I knew that my DH would take great care of him and that they were going to have a good time together. By the time I got to Boston, I felt very relaxed about everything. I wasn't stressed out about anything. Which is very rare for me. I usually panic and freakout. The day before the transfer, I had time to walk around, shop and visit with friends. It was sort of like a mini-vacation to my old neck of the woods.

The night before the transfer I had a good night's rest, but found myself a bit lost when I didn't have my son waking me up in the morning. It was strange, but very nice ;) I had a simple and delicious breakfast, showered, and started my trek to the clinic. It was located about 15 miles from where I was staying, so I decided to get there early in case there was any paperwork or last minute items I need to take care of. I also had a pre and post acupuncture session scheduled. Thankfully, my clinic offers these at their location, so that was convenient. I made sure to stay hydrated because my bladder needed to be full for the transfer.

About an hour before my transfer, I had a relaxing acupuncture session. I was extremely relaxed that I almost fell asleep. Before the session, the acupuncturist asked me to tell her how stressed I was on a scale from 1-10 (10 being the most stressed out). I told her a 2 - that's truly how I felt! Again, this is very rare for me. Everything seemed to be going very smoothly - from my flight there, to my accommodations, to my transport to the clinic. I was sort of waiting for something to screw it all up, because something always does, but that never happened. The acupuncturist checked my pulse after the session and said it was fantastic. That was encouraging.

After the pre acupuncture session, I return to the waiting room. I waited about 15 minutes before being called back for the transfer. Then I was given a gown, hair net, and disposable socks. A few minutes after that, a nurse went over some paperwork for me to sign, then my doctor came over to go over what I should expect during the transfer. He told me the grade of my embryo -  a 3BB. My clinic rates them from 1-4, so a 4AA is the best. He said when the embryo was frozen it was at a 3BB and it was a good sign that it was the same after thawing. A 3BB is pretty average, I suppose.

I was taken back to the OR, positioned, shown a picture of my embryo on a big screen next to my name and DOB. The doctor said my lining looked fantastic (there's that word again), a catheter was inserted, the embryologist came over and very slowly placed the embryo in the catheter. He said I had done a great job keeping my bladder full. I got to see a tiny glimpse on the ultrasound machine. I was a bit overwhelmed with how quick it all was. That was it. Within 10 minutes, my embryo was now where it needed to be after almost 2.5 years of being frozen. My doctor said ..."that is the best transfer I've seen all week. No! It's the best I've seen all year!" That was nice to hear, but deep down inside I wondered if he said that to all his patients. Maybe something he says for them to have hope. Who knows? I thanked him, the nurses, the embryologist, and then changed back into my clothes.

After the transfer, I went back to the acupuncture center next door for my post session. The acupuncturist was a little surprised to see me back so soon. For the next 30 minutes I relaxed with needles in different places and drifted in and out of sleep. Again, super relaxed. Oh, for the post-session I was instructed to get on my back, and needles were placed on my front side. (For the pre-session, I was face down and needles were placed on my backside). The acupuncturist checked my pulse at the end and once again commented on how great it was. I thanked her and headed on my way to find something to eat. All in all, the transfer was very easy and everything went smoothly. I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon walking around town and shopping. I thought about going back to my hotel and not doing anything, but also felt like I should take advantage of my time in Boston.

The night of the transfer, I tried to go to bed early but had a hard time falling asleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 1:00 am and had to be up by 5:00am to catch my flight back home. Needless to say, I was exhausted on my flights home. When I finally got home, it was back on Mommy duty and didn't have much time to rest or take a breath. Went straight to playing and caring for my son while DH headed to meetings. After a few hours, I could feel the beginning stages of a migraine. I sort of suspected it was going to be bad, but didn't realize how bad. About four hours after getting home, I had to call DH and asked if he could please come home and take over bath time and bed time. I think it was around 7pm. At this point I was puking my breakfast (didn't have lunch), as well as just fluid. When he got home, I went straight to bed. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but did feel much better and got out of bed around 8:30 am. So very thankful for my awesome husband for taking charge again after being alone with our son for four days.

So that's that. My embie is now with me. Praying that it will stick! Now we are on the 9 day wait until Beta.

Notes

• Still on Estrace (2x a day) and Vivelle Dot (every 3 days), as well as Crinone (2x a day).
• Transfer was on CD26, which is around the time I normally get AF. I was a bit worried about this, but apparently the meds are helping control my cycle
• I thought I would also mention this - my frozen embryo was in Boston because we lived there for several years and ended up doing our fresh IVF cycle there in 2012.

Here is a picture of my 3BB embryo

Cycle Day 21

Today is CD21 and I was scheduled for a blood draw to determine if my lining looks good enough for the FET on Tuesday.

I received my results this afternoon, and looks like we are good to go!!! I'm very excited. My progesterone was 0.3 and my lining was 11.7. The nurse said that they like to see above a 7 for the lining, so this was good to hear. 

I have my plane tickets all ready, but I was waiting for the blood work to come back before I booked my hotel accommodations, so I'll be busy doing that tonight. I'll head up to Boston (2,000 miles from home) this weekend and will return with my only snow embie. Even if it doesn't stick at least I know it will be with me...<---- that's me trying to stay positive.

Other notes -
I've been on Estrace and the Vivelle dot (patch) since CD2. Added Crinone suppositories (progesterone) today.