Thursday, July 24, 2014

The all too familiar lonely line...

The all too familiar lonely line... Yes, that's what I saw on the HPT today at 9 days past 5 day transfer.

I woke up this morning around 5:45 am with the urge to pee. I decided to go ahead and POAS, but wait until after coming back from the lab to look at it. I carefully placed it under the sink and went back to sleep until it was time to head to the lab around 7 am.

I looked at the stick after I returned from the lab and very clearly saw

I wasn't feeling very hopeful. Partly because I've felt lots of things happen in the last few days. Here is the updated list of symptoms -

  • Light pain and cramping on the left side of my uterus
  • Heaviness feeling in uterus
  • My breasts feel heavier & look bigger. Also, I felt a bit of tingling in them. Sort of like what a 'let down' feels like when you are breastfeeding. 
  • Cramps 
  • Heaviness feeling in uterus 
  • Same deal with my boobs (heavier, bigger, let down & tingly feeling).
You would think that these symptoms would be reassuring, but just knowing my body, I didn't feel hopeful that this was from pregnancy. I felt a lot of these same symptoms after my 3 medicated IUIs, when I swore I would see a BFP. I never did. I didn't have ANY symptoms (except for the urge to pee in the middle of the night) after my fresh IVF transfer. And that is the ONLY time I have seen a BFP -  it was 11 days past a 3 day transfer (read more on that here March 2012). I felt amazing while pregnant. I had more energy than ever before. It was very strange. I think my hormones were finally stable. Who knows, really?

My doctor in Boston had to send over the paperwork to the lab here in Texas. The lab was suppose to send the results back by end of day today. That apparently didn't happen. I'm pretty sure it's going to be negative for pregnancy, but still have to wait for them to confirm it. Blah!

I have surprisingly felt okay about it. Not what I thought I would feel. I cried a little while I prepared breakfast for my son.

Then I felt a wave of gratefulness. After 5 procedures - 3 medicated IUIs, 1 IVF, and 1 FET -  lots of tears and prayers, I still have my son. I was reminded how blessed I am when he said very sweetly, "Thank you, Mommy!" as I fed him breakfast. Seriously, how amazing is that?!?

I'm sad I won't get to see what that embie could have been. How it could have fit into our family. I'm comforted in knowing that I did everything I could to help make this successful, but I know that no matter what, the end result would be out of my hands.

I'm not sure what we're going to do next. We have no embryos left and we don't have the money to pay for another IVF. I know that we won't completely give up on having another child, I'm just not sure how that will happen.

Sad, but mostly grateful.

Update: I got a call from the nurse today. I mentioned to her that I've been having cramps for the past few days. I thought I was getting cysts from the meds (could still be possible), but she said it is likely due to the fact that AF is on her way. Great. So that's is confirmed that our FET was a BFN.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Hope...hanging by a thread

If you are visiting from ICLW, welcome and thanks for stopping by. Sorry this post isn't going to sound very optimistic.

I am currently 8 days past our 5 day transfer (frozen embryo from our 2012 IVF). The embryo was rated by our clinic as a 3BB, which is apparently pretty average. I have not POAS and I'm honestly just plain terrified. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also hope for the best. It's nothing but a mind game. The google devil doesn't help, and I'm glad I have stopped googling for a few days now. I feel things, I'm just not sure they are pregnancy things.

Just because I started keeping track of symptoms, here is the list I've noted for 5dp5dt -7dp5dt (I'll tell you this, it's not very exciting):

  •  smells seemed stronger
  • nothing
  • dizzy
  • aversion to Lasagna for dinner.
  • Dreamt that a child from the Duggar Family (family in the US that has 19 kids) was given to me as a consolation prize for getting a BFN. WTH?
So far, my list looks hopeful, but one thing that keeps me thinking that this did not work, is that I'm not really waking up in the middle of the night to pee. With my first IVF fresh transfer, I noticed I was getting up at 2 am to use the bathroom the night after the transfer and we ended up getting a BFP. Why am I basing everything on this one thing? I have no idea. Some moments in the day, I feel tugging, I feel a heaviness in my uterus, I feel something going on. Then other moments, everything is gone. Ahhhh!!!

I'm trying to prepare myself for a negative in case that happens. I'm not motivated to do anything or go anywhere until I find out. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting and waiting for the time to pass. I'm not enjoying every moment of the day. I feel anxious and scared. What will happen if this doesn't work? Will we one day be able to add to our family? At the same time I feel extremely fortunate that we have our son. That through years of trying, our first IVF was successful and we brought home an amazing person. You would think that that would make me feel better. Maybe feel complete, but it doesn't. Infertility sticks around, and you try to fight it even more the second time around. You know how great is it to finally feel like you defeated IF, but then you find yourself back to the same place. Hopeful, then scared, then angry, then anxious... and back to hopeful.

Beta is tomorrow.

AHHH! (and I'm back at 'scared').

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Feelings/symptoms 1dp5dt-4dp5dt

I'll try my best to post how I'm feeling during my 9 day wait until beta. I think I'm probably imagining most of the symptoms though. At this point, I'm not sure what is real and what I'm just hoping for. My mind is playing games on me, as it always does when I'm awaiting a beta.

Here are the days so far -

  • Exhausted from traveling
  • Migraine - vomit, pain, couldn't eat for 24 hours. Ended up sleeping 12 hours to get rid of the pain. Migraines are pretty common for me at least 1 a month, so I'm not sure I can count this as a 'symptom' 
  • Weird dreams - dreamt that for some reason, DH had left a fish fillet in the shower and I discovered it days later after the smell took over our house. Where the heck did that dream come from? 
  • Headache
  • Nauseous
  • Dizzy
  • Weird dreams -  I dreamt that a high school friend was really rude to me when I asked for her help with something. When I woke up I was so mad and really wanted to delete her from my FB friends list. I don't really keep in touch with this person. Don't think I've talked to her since hs, so I have no idea where that came from. Very strange.
  • Tightness in cervix area - I noticed this while inserting the Crinone applicator
  • Bloated
  • Maybe crampy?
  • A slight tinge of heartburn - again, maybe this one is a big imagined one
  • Smells - my husband was eating tuna from a can for dinner and it really grossed me out.
  • Tightness in cervix area, overall, just feels strange
  • Emotional, feeling sad
  • Slight cramping
  • Diarrhea
  • Smells bothered me a bit
  • Tiny little brown spot on panty liner - I have no idea what this was, but I'm hoping it's not AF making it's way here

So that's what I've noted so far. I'm not feeling very optimistic today. I can't really explain why. Maybe all the googling of symptoms? Why, oh why do I torture myself? IF has officially made me crazy...

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), CD 26

I flew up to Boston a couple of days before the transfer just in case there were flight delays and also to get situated with accommodations and transportation. It felt very strange to leave my 20-month-old (miracle from IVF #1) for the very first time overnight. I was sad about it, but I knew that my DH would take great care of him and that they were going to have a good time together. By the time I got to Boston, I felt very relaxed about everything. I wasn't stressed out about anything. Which is very rare for me. I usually panic and freakout. The day before the transfer, I had time to walk around, shop and visit with friends. It was sort of like a mini-vacation to my old neck of the woods.

The night before the transfer I had a good night's rest, but found myself a bit lost when I didn't have my son waking me up in the morning. It was strange, but very nice ;) I had a simple and delicious breakfast, showered, and started my trek to the clinic. It was located about 15 miles from where I was staying, so I decided to get there early in case there was any paperwork or last minute items I need to take care of. I also had a pre and post acupuncture session scheduled. Thankfully, my clinic offers these at their location, so that was convenient. I made sure to stay hydrated because my bladder needed to be full for the transfer.

About an hour before my transfer, I had a relaxing acupuncture session. I was extremely relaxed that I almost fell asleep. Before the session, the acupuncturist asked me to tell her how stressed I was on a scale from 1-10 (10 being the most stressed out). I told her a 2 - that's truly how I felt! Again, this is very rare for me. Everything seemed to be going very smoothly - from my flight there, to my accommodations, to my transport to the clinic. I was sort of waiting for something to screw it all up, because something always does, but that never happened. The acupuncturist checked my pulse after the session and said it was fantastic. That was encouraging.

After the pre acupuncture session, I return to the waiting room. I waited about 15 minutes before being called back for the transfer. Then I was given a gown, hair net, and disposable socks. A few minutes after that, a nurse went over some paperwork for me to sign, then my doctor came over to go over what I should expect during the transfer. He told me the grade of my embryo -  a 3BB. My clinic rates them from 1-4, so a 4AA is the best. He said when the embryo was frozen it was at a 3BB and it was a good sign that it was the same after thawing. A 3BB is pretty average, I suppose.

I was taken back to the OR, positioned, shown a picture of my embryo on a big screen next to my name and DOB. The doctor said my lining looked fantastic (there's that word again), a catheter was inserted, the embryologist came over and very slowly placed the embryo in the catheter. He said I had done a great job keeping my bladder full. I got to see a tiny glimpse on the ultrasound machine. I was a bit overwhelmed with how quick it all was. That was it. Within 10 minutes, my embryo was now where it needed to be after almost 2.5 years of being frozen. My doctor said ..."that is the best transfer I've seen all week. No! It's the best I've seen all year!" That was nice to hear, but deep down inside I wondered if he said that to all his patients. Maybe something he says for them to have hope. Who knows? I thanked him, the nurses, the embryologist, and then changed back into my clothes.

After the transfer, I went back to the acupuncture center next door for my post session. The acupuncturist was a little surprised to see me back so soon. For the next 30 minutes I relaxed with needles in different places and drifted in and out of sleep. Again, super relaxed. Oh, for the post-session I was instructed to get on my back, and needles were placed on my front side. (For the pre-session, I was face down and needles were placed on my backside). The acupuncturist checked my pulse at the end and once again commented on how great it was. I thanked her and headed on my way to find something to eat. All in all, the transfer was very easy and everything went smoothly. I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon walking around town and shopping. I thought about going back to my hotel and not doing anything, but also felt like I should take advantage of my time in Boston.

The night of the transfer, I tried to go to bed early but had a hard time falling asleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 1:00 am and had to be up by 5:00am to catch my flight back home. Needless to say, I was exhausted on my flights home. When I finally got home, it was back on Mommy duty and didn't have much time to rest or take a breath. Went straight to playing and caring for my son while DH headed to meetings. After a few hours, I could feel the beginning stages of a migraine. I sort of suspected it was going to be bad, but didn't realize how bad. About four hours after getting home, I had to call DH and asked if he could please come home and take over bath time and bed time. I think it was around 7pm. At this point I was puking my breakfast (didn't have lunch), as well as just fluid. When he got home, I went straight to bed. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but did feel much better and got out of bed around 8:30 am. So very thankful for my awesome husband for taking charge again after being alone with our son for four days.

So that's that. My embie is now with me. Praying that it will stick! Now we are on the 9 day wait until Beta.


  • Still on Estrace (2x a day) and Vivelle Dot (every 3 days), as well as Crinone (2x a day).
  • Transfer was on CD26, which is around the time I normally get AF. I was a bit worried about this, but apparently the meds are helping control my cycle
  • I thought I would also mention this - my frozen embryo was in Boston because we lived there for several years and ended up doing our fresh IVF cycle there in 2012.

Here is a picture of my 3BB embryo

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Cycle Day 21

Today is CD21 and I was scheduled for a blood draw to determine if my lining looks good enough for the FET on Tuesday.

I received my results this afternoon, and looks like we are good to go!!! I'm very excited. My progesterone was 0.3 and my lining was 11.7. The nurse said that they like to see above a 7 for the lining, so this was good to hear. 

I have my plane tickets all ready, but I was waiting for the blood work to come back before I booked my hotel accommodations, so I'll be busy doing that tonight. I'll head up to Boston (2,000 miles from home) this weekend and will return with my only snow embie. Even if it doesn't stick at least I know it will be with me...<---- that's me trying to stay positive.

Other notes -
I've been on Estrace and the Vivelle dot (patch) since CD2. Added Crinone suppositories (progesterone) today. 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Hope for FET

I've had a hard time lately trying to think of what to write. Sometimes I feel like if I don't talk about something that I'm constantly thinking about - something big, something important to me - that maybe it will come true or be fulfilled. Does that sound weird? That perhaps I'll jinx it if I talk about it too much. I'm not sure. I like to try to put it in the back of my mind in case things don't turn out the way I hope they will.

We are here. In FET land now. This time around our health insurance sucks and we will have to pay for most of it out-of-pocket. Including medicines, ultrasounds, blood work, airfare (Texas to Massachusetts), lodging, rental car, and food - the total comes out to about $5,500 (USD). That's a lot of money for us right now.  I know it's still not as much as a fresh IVF cycle would have cost (maybe around $15,000), but $5k in one month is a ton! Last time, our insurance paid for ALL of it. We were so fortunate.  So, as a family, we've decided that I would go alone. My DH will stay home with our toddler (almost 20 months old, IVF miracle) and I will head to Boston for the FET. At first I was sad and upset about having to go alone, but now I'm thinking it will be a great opportunity to relax and have some time to myself. I have never left my son overnight since he was born. Can you believe it?! I think it'll end up being okay.

Thankfully there are no shots involved this time. Only the estrogen meds - Estrace and Vivelle Dop (patch). It seems pretty low key compared to all the shots and prep that IVF required. Today is CD16 and I've been on the meds since CD2. The only major side effect I've had was total lack of motivation the first week. I only wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV, which is terrible considering my son is with me all day. Things have gotten better though, and I've actually gotten over that hump.

I have an u/s and b/w next week to determine if my lining has reached the acceptable degree for FET, and then five days later we will do the transfer. For my IVF, we transferred two 3-day embryos on CD 16, this time it will be one 5-day embryo (the only one we have) on CD26. I'm a little worried about the timing, but the nurse assured me that they've done transfers that late in a cycle before. I'll start progesterone suppositories (Crinone) the day of the u/s depending on if my lining has reached a good point. I bought refundable plane tickets in case the FET has to be cancelled or changed. Hoping that won't be the case.

So that's where I am right now. Trying really hard to hold on to hope, but also don't want to get my hopes up in case it doesn't work out. This is our last and only shot at another baby. Things could change in a few years, but right now we can't afford another round of IVF and I don't think I'm strong enough emotionally to go through another retrieval. That, of course, is what I say now. But I also know that things could change...

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Almost 2 years later!

Hello there... (If there's anyone still there) -

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here. So much has happened! I've thought about this space and tried so many times to come back and write, but just could.not.find.the.time. I was extremely overwhelmed at the end of my pregnancy with work and then quickly transitioned to my new role as a mom. Never thought I'd actually become a mother. All of that took over my life and has since kept me really busy. I'm amazed at all the people that are able to continue blogging after having a baby! When I have a little bit of free time, all I want to do is sit, watch stupid TV and maybe have a glass of wine :)

I'm very grateful for everything that has happened in the last two years, and I hope that others are encouraged when they read my story.

A short update - 
My beautiful miracle son was born in November 2012. Out of two embryos transferred in February 2012, one made it and is here on earth. I still can't quite believe it. He came when I was 39 weeks, 6 days pregnant. Right on time. Perfect little boy. He's now 19 months, full of energy and lights up my world every day. He has never been sick (*knock on wood*), and is just completely healthy. I'm still in disbelief that this person is mine. Part of me and my sweet husband.

The next step for our family is to attempt to add another branch to our family tree. That's right, we're trying for #2! We've been trying on our own since I stopped breastfeeding 6 months ago. We hang on to hope that maybe, just maybe it'll happen without assistance. But we are also realistic. In early 2012, out of our 11 embryos, only one made it to freezing. We're scheduled to start meds as soon as CD1 arrives (in a couple of weeks), and hopefully all will go well enough to transfer our snow embie in early July. Praying for a miracle.