Wednesday, July 20, 2011

"The Little Uterus That Could"... apparently can't

Well, it seems like I only write during ICLW.  Signing up for it motivates me to write, otherwise I would probably slack off even more.

Here is a list of excuses for not writing lately:
1. We moved... again
2. One of my dogs has been really sick.  We're just trying to keep her alive at the moment. It breaks my heart.
3. Access to internet was scarce
4. Lack of motivation

Lately, things have basically.... well, sucked!  I've been really depressed about so much.

We met with our RE and our diagnosis has stayed the same: completely and totally UNEXPLAINED! He gave us the go ahead to start treatments.  Our RE suggests medicated cycle (with Gonal-F injections) and IUI.  We're excited, yet terrified.  This could be it!  Also, I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of multiples resulting with this regimen.  Apparently, the statistics are 15-20% chance of twins with a medicated IUI.  That's pretty high.  I know that I would do anything for a child, but right now, I'm not sure if I want to risk it.  It's a tough decision.  We would be happy to have more than one, but we're just scared.  Scared for the babies and scared for my health.

So we're stuck.  I kept praying for some kind of peace and affirmation about the decision to either go ahead with the treatments this month or wait a few more cycles.

I don't know if this was some kind of answer to my prayers, but yesterday my OB-GYN called and said that my latest pap smear came back abnormal, therefore she suggests postponing treatments until after my colposcopy.  (Last summer, I also got an abnormal pap smear - had a colposcopy that showed nothing to worry about).

I cried after I got off the phone with her.  For real?!?!  How much more suckiness can one endure?

So even though this could possibly be an answer to my prayers (that we should wait a few more cycles to try treatments), I still can't get over the fact that all of the things that have happened this year, just plain suck!

Here are things I hope and pray for:
1. That my dog lives
2. That there's nothing serious going on and that the colposcopy will be normal
3. That we start feeling some peace about the decision to start treatments
4. That I'll have motivation to do... well, everything

I know I should be hopeful and that things will turn out for the best, they always somehow do.... even if we have to go through some really tough situations...

But right now, I feel like the little uterus that could, really can't... and there's really nothing I can do about it.
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25 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 20, 2011 at 11:34 PM

    You are in my thoughts, stay strong!! If we learn anything from infertility, it must be that we are resiliant..xx

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  2. KristinJuly 21, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    Hoping and praying right along with you. I hope life is kinder to you in the future.

    ICLW #13

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  3. NikkiJuly 21, 2011 at 2:40 PM

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Sounds like it's been rough for you lately.

    *Hugs!*

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  4. AnonymousJuly 22, 2011 at 1:04 AM

    Hi there. Found you on ICLW. Sorry everything is kinda sucky for you right now :(

    I've been feeling rather crappy myself lately. I read through your timeline and I'm in a really similar boat to you. I also started TTC in October 2009 (the month I got married). Prior to that I used condoms and a little of of cycle tracking for BC...not hormonal BC, so I definitely thought I'd get pregnant right away. I had been having natural, regular cycles for years...also at 26-27 days. Eventually went to RE, had all the tests, including an HSG, and everything is normal. I had 2 IUIs, neither of which resulted in pregnancy. And now I take vitamins and supplements and have been doing acupunture for four months.

    Ugh. IF sucks. I look forward to following your story though :)

    --K
    http://lesterresfertiles.wordpress.com/

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  5. CJuly 22, 2011 at 2:50 PM

    Wow! You have a lot going on. You definitely have my thoughts and prayers.

    Take care.

    ICLW #5

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  6. AnonymousJuly 22, 2011 at 7:29 PM

    I hope things look up for you, I hate the "when it rains it pours" times. I was terrified of twins too, but really they aren't that terrible (I've had a year to forget my pg!) Stop over if there is anything you'd like to ask me about my twins.

    ICLW #69

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  7. LoraJuly 23, 2011 at 8:32 AM

    Hi from ICLW! It sounds like you have been busy and dealing with some tough stuff. I hope the move went well and that your dog is doing better. Hang in there!

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  8. MissyJuly 23, 2011 at 7:14 PM

    Unexplained is the worst. I always wished for some diagnosis so at least we would know how to address it. Ugh.

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  9. JoJuly 25, 2011 at 8:11 PM

    (((HUGS))) Hoping that all the things you're praying for come true.

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  10. TinaJuly 26, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    You really have a lot on your plate right now!!! I'm so sorry--it's tough. Praying for you to find peace with treatments and for your dog to get better soon.

    ICLW #101

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  11. My New NormalJuly 26, 2011 at 5:17 PM

    Visiting from ICLW. I've always hated the whole unexplained infertility thing. On the one hand it's good to think there's nothing wrong with me or the hubby. But on the other hand it doesn't help anything. In some ways I wish they could find something wrong so they could fix it.

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  12. AnonymousJuly 27, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    Hi from ICLW.

    I don't understand unexplained infertility. Seriously. They can put a man on the moon, but they can't solve this? I pray for you to find not only peace, but an answer. xoxo

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  13. JustHeatherJuly 27, 2011 at 6:07 PM

    *hugs* I definitely know how you feel! We've been trying for 3 years and I'd say for the last 2 or so I've been very unmotivated to do much of anything. It sucks, but I'm really trying to get myself back into working order and get stuff done!
    May your colposcopy come back fine and you are (ICLW)

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  14. KrissiAugust 21, 2011 at 10:00 PM

    So sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope your dog is okay and you do get some motivation. Your IUI sounds promising! And don't be too afraid of twins (multiples). I have twins (resulted from an IVF) that will be 2 next month. Although it is extremely taxing and stressful at times, they are such a delight in my life and it really isn't that difficult. You just have to have a lot of patience and rise to the occassion! (Truth be told, my 4 year old gives me more stress than my twins most of the time!) Good luck! (ICLW #52)

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  15. The ReinertsAugust 22, 2011 at 1:46 AM

    That all sounds so awful!! Life seems to throw all the hard stuff at people in a lump. I'll be praying for you too!
    I know what you mean about multiples and just...the fact that THIS COULD BE IT! What happens if I do have a baby? Oh my gosh...I'll be a mom! Can I handle that?
    That was just a taste of the panic attack that I have when I start a new cycle.
    I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

    ICWL #78

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  16. OakAugust 22, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    I've had 5 colposcopies - 3 LEEPs...they suck, I know the feeling and hope this one passes quickly and uneventfully as well. We also wondered about doing an injectibles round and whether we should have wait longer - but it was worth every shot and every dollar to not have to go through more unsuccessful cycles. You'll know when you get to your point of no more sitting back and you're ready to take action. :)

    ICLW #44

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  17. HilaryAugust 22, 2011 at 12:49 PM

    hang in there.. my cat was very sick earlier this summer.. I know how hard it is...

    Just saying "hi" from ICLW

    Also, I have a GIVEAWAY on my blog... Please check it out if you are interested....

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  18. TraceyAugust 22, 2011 at 5:33 PM

    So sorry about your dog, Carmela. When I was TTC, I had dogs that were like my babies to me, so I understand the connection. Also, my niece had a colposcopy and a cone biopsy and she is currently pregnant so keep the faith! Maybe fate is guiding you as far as the timing of things goes. Get his issue cleared up so you can move on with a hopefully uneventful pregnancy.
    I’m Tracey from the Fertility Daily (ICLW # 56).
    I’m an IVF mom of two, who blogs for my old RE as my way of giving back. I’m on a quest to help others TTC, especially those who can’t afford IVF. East Coast Fertility’s giving away a free Micro-IVF cycle and you can enter to win thru 8/28 at http://www.eastcoastfertility.com/about/blog/blog-entry/archive/2011/august/article/ecfs-extreme-family-building-makeover-video-contest/?tx_ttnews%5Bday%5D=01&cHash=a6f7a8f9f3d38be671d74bd524251f81
    Good luck and I hope your baby dreams come true.

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  19. KateAugust 22, 2011 at 10:49 PM

    Maybe your uterus just needs to think it can? Teasing, but I wish you all the best with what's been on your plate lately. Try to take care of yourself.

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  20. AprilAugust 23, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    I'm so sorry that so many things are piling up on you att he moment. you and your family are in my prayers.

    ICLW

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  21. bean dreamsAugust 23, 2011 at 5:31 PM

    Popping in from ICLW. So sorry that everything seems to be falling at once right now. I completely understand when you say the year has sucked--it is exactly how I feel too. I know on the other side all of this pain will be miles away, but when you're in the middle of it, it is so hard to find comfort or solace in anything. Wishing the best for you and yours. Thinking of you!

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  22. Mrs. GamgeeAugust 24, 2011 at 12:21 AM

    Hoping and praying that you get the answers you're seeking soon, and that your direction becomes clear. And that your tests will come back clear and you will be at ease.

    ICLW

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  23. AnonymousAugust 26, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    Sending hugs and prayers your way. Hope that things get better for you soon.

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  24. SarahAugust 26, 2011 at 11:36 PM

    Sending you hugs and prayers!!!

    Happy ICLW
    #75

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  25. Jessica WhiteAugust 27, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    I hate that feeling: Hang in there!

    Hopefully the pap was wrong...I've had that happen several times in the past.

    ICLW
    Jess
    Life in the White House

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