Sweet October, turned bitter...

I hoped and prayed that #26 would be the lucky one.  That in October we would have some great things happen, in particular, that we would become pregnant.  In the end, that wasn't the case, and I'm sitting in my pajamas, as I have been all day, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

This past Friday was 10 dpiui and I was feeling hopeful.  I had felt a few symptoms: tired, growing breasts, queazy, and brownish spotting.  When I first saw the brownish/pinkish spotting, I was alarmed, but then read that it's normal during implantation, so I thought everything was going well.  I had a little more spotting on Saturday, but not much.  I hung on to the hope and I imagined a little tiny ball of cells implanting in my uterus and one day becoming our baby.

I felt tempted to take a HPT, but I was scared and couldn't bare to see that lonely line yet again.  I decided I would wait until at least 13 dpiui, and find out before my blood test on Tuesday.

This morning, Sunday (12 dpiui), I woke up with AF-like cramps and a terrible headache.  I thought this was just part of the implanting still going on.  A few hours after awakening, I saw the blood.  The oh-so familiar AF blood!  Still kind of in denial, I convinced myself it was implantation spotting.

However, it soon proved to be indeed AF's arrival. At CD22.

I told Mr. A.  He was in shock too, but didn't say anything.  I got back in my pajamas and cried myself into a mid-morning nap...

We had planned on going out to dinner with some friends tonight.  I've cried most of the day, so as you can imagine, I have puffy eyes and look like crap. Also, one of the gals that will be there just happens to be pregnant, therefore, I wasn't up to talking to her or asking her about her pregnancy.  She's not a close friend, so I don't feel bad for backing out.  I told Mr. A that he should still go.  He went, but before going he brought me some chocolate and mint oreo ice cream.  His sweetness made me cry all over again.

Here I am - back to CD1. I still have to go in on Tuesday for a blood test - I suppose to be completely sure I'm not pregnant.  I'm not sure what happens from there. I don't know if my RE will let me go on to the next cycle with Gon.al-F, maybe with a higher dosage.  We'll see what he says tomorrow.

Hope I'll feel better and more optimistic in the next few days, but right now, I'm still in my pajamas and still crying...