"The Little Uterus That Could"... apparently can't

Well, it seems like I only write during ICLW.  Signing up for it motivates me to write, otherwise I would probably slack off even more.

Here is a list of excuses for not writing lately:
1. We moved... again
2. One of my dogs has been really sick.  We're just trying to keep her alive at the moment. It breaks my heart.
3. Access to internet was scarce
4. Lack of motivation

Lately, things have basically.... well, sucked!  I've been really depressed about so much.

We met with our RE and our diagnosis has stayed the same: completely and totally UNEXPLAINED! He gave us the go ahead to start treatments.  Our RE suggests medicated cycle (with Gonal-F injections) and IUI.  We're excited, yet terrified.  This could be it!  Also, I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of multiples resulting with this regimen.  Apparently, the statistics are 15-20% chance of twins with a medicated IUI.  That's pretty high.  I know that I would do anything for a child, but right now, I'm not sure if I want to risk it.  It's a tough decision.  We would be happy to have more than one, but we're just scared.  Scared for the babies and scared for my health.

So we're stuck.  I kept praying for some kind of peace and affirmation about the decision to either go ahead with the treatments this month or wait a few more cycles.

I don't know if this was some kind of answer to my prayers, but yesterday my OB-GYN called and said that my latest pap smear came back abnormal, therefore she suggests postponing treatments until after my colposcopy.  (Last summer, I also got an abnormal pap smear - had a colposcopy that showed nothing to worry about).

I cried after I got off the phone with her.  For real?!?!  How much more suckiness can one endure?

So even though this could possibly be an answer to my prayers (that we should wait a few more cycles to try treatments), I still can't get over the fact that all of the things that have happened this year, just plain suck!

Here are things I hope and pray for:
1. That my dog lives
2. That there's nothing serious going on and that the colposcopy will be normal
3. That we start feeling some peace about the decision to start treatments
4. That I'll have motivation to do... well, everything

I know I should be hopeful and that things will turn out for the best, they always somehow do.... even if we have to go through some really tough situations...

But right now, I feel like the little uterus that could, really can't... and there's really nothing I can do about it.

in the middle of peak season :)

At this point it's obvious that I received a visit from AF.  Again, she was right on time.

Right now I'm in the middle of peak season.  On CD14 today and DH arrives from a business trip.  I'm not planning on using any OPKs this time.  A few months ago I decided to let go of them and stop ordering more.  After 19 cycles of confirmed ovulation per OPK results, it was pretty apparent that there is something else going on.

I haven't had any EWCM yet.  Perhaps today is the day.  If that's the case, it will be a textbook ovulation right on CD14.  If only everything else was like that.

So, here we are.  Going on #22.  22 cycles of trying... of hoping... of praying.

Happy ICLW!!!

I'm excited it's ICLW!  I'm again a little late.  Not AF late, but posting late. We're two days into ICLW, and I'm just now writing. We've had so much happen in the past few weeks, that I haven't found the time to write.

Welcome to my blog!  Mucho gusto :)

Here's a little bit about our current TTC roller-coaster.

We're 20-month experts on the thing called 'baby dancing'... Ha... We met a fabulous RE in January, and he has done a series of test - including blood work and a saline infused sonography. On my saline infused sonography he saw something that he found alarming. Dr. B suspected Asherman's Syndrome (scar tissue) in my uterus.  He sent me to a specialist to get a Hysteroscopy a few weeks ago. (It actually wasn't too bad. At least not as painful as the HSG).  At the Hysteroscopy, the doc took a few pictures and within a few minutes she revealed that there was no scar tissue to be found! What?!?! Ghost scar tissue? I have no idea how it just disappeared.  Maybe the wheatgrass? Maybe the prayers? Probably both. I don't know.

DH and I were glad to find out that all is well with my uterus. Now we're back to square 'uno' and trying to figure out square 'dos'.  It's like the game of Twister.  Our bodies have to undergo so much testing and most time requires a little maneuvering.  We have to maneuver every.single.part of our life to try to find a baby at the end of this frustrating game.  Will it be next cycle?

DH's 3rd semen analysis came back okay.  Again, not fantastic, but average. Count was great, motility could be better. We're thinking about doing an unmedicated IUI sometime in the next few months.  If that doesn't work, square 'tres' will be a medicated IUI.  If that doesn't work, well, we'll see...

We timed BD this month.  Everything looked great - weather (cm), and everything else ;).  I'm currently 10 dpo.  I still haven't tested.  On 5 and 6 dpo I felt some cramping and twinges.  I almost had a little party, but then checked myself back to reality.  I want to be hopeful, but I don't want to get my hopes up because it just hurts too much to be disappointed yet again.  I haven't had any other symptoms besides the ones on those two days.

Either way, we keep on chugging.  I'm giving my uterus a little pep talk right now - my new nickname for my 'u' is the 'little uterus that could.' After all the test and intrusive examinations, she's still chugging along working like she's supposed to... well, besides not being able to house a little embryo, but I'm not gonna hold it against her.  At least not this time.

We'll be there some day. Oh shucks, here I go being hopeful again. It's a roller-coaster.

Good luck to all of you!  I hope I have time to visit new blogs this week.  I really want to get to know more of you awesome ladies... and gents.

Versatile Blogger

Both Stress Free Infertility and C awarded me The Versatile Blogger award several weeks ago, but I didn't get a chance to write a post because of what my hometown has endured recently. I know I'm super late (almost time for May ICLW), but here it is...

The rules:

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award

Stress Free Infertility and C

Thank you both! I am truly honored.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself

1. I hate chewing gum

2. I'm terrified of heights

3. I've lived in 3 countries

4. I don't like fast food and I love to cook!

5. I become "cleaning insane lady" a few days before AF arrives

6. I love reality TV.  I watch all kinds of mindless shows. Makes me feel better about my life.

7. I didn't like onions until a few years ago. I now love grilled onions!

3. Award other bloggers - The Versatile Blogger award is for 15 'recently discovered bloggers'  - I chose 14

Blogs I discovered during April ICLW are:

1. CD1 again - http://cd1again.blogspot.com/

2. Misconceptions About Conception - http://conceptionmisconceptions.blogspot.com

3. My daily mooosings in the Netherlands http://mydailymooosingsinthenetherlands.blogspot.com/

4. Somewhere In The Middle - http://somewhereinthemiddlewithyou.blogspot.com/

5. From Ms. to Mrs.... & back to Ms. - http://mstomrs.blogspot.com/

6. Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey with Infertility - http://chasingourstork.blogspot.com/

7. Baby Hopes - http://chasingourstork.blogspot.com/

8. I Want to be a Daddy - http://iwanttobeadaddy.blogspot.com/

9. Rochelle at For all the things we hope for - http://simplyrochelle.blogspot.com/

10. Poor Lucky Me -  http://www.poorluckyme.com/blog/

11. The Bushey Life - http://www.thebusheylife.com/

12. The Inadequate Conception - http://theinadequateconception.blogspot.com

13. Waiting for Stork - http://waitingforstork.blogspot.com/

14. The Great Big IF @ http://www.dochaschronicles.blogspot.com/

I look forward to following each and every blog.  Good luck to all!

Happy early May ICLW!

Hanging on to Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

I hope to one day become a mother.  I cannot predict when this will happen for me - I can't see it.  Yet I hang on to that hope.  I am certain that one day I will see it happen.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and to those that hope to be mothers.

CD1 and I don't care... just happy to be alive.

I have a new perspective after the tornado ravaged my city on Wednesday, April 27, 2011, destroying buildings, homes, and lives. 

Today, I am not dwelling on the fact that I suffer from infertility.

Today, I am glad to be alive.  

I've been busy the past few days giving my all to my city.  I've volunteered to help collect and distribute donations of food, water, flashlights, toiletries, baby items, etc.  Basic essentials that we all tend to take for granted. I wish I could do more. I wish I could comfort those that lost children, parents, grandparents, and friends. I offer hugs, but I know that they won't bring back the people that were lost.  And it hurts.

I am in total disbelief that God spared my life.  The tornado that hit Tuscaloosa, was predicted to hit where I live, but instead took a turn, and touched down about 1/2 mile from our home.  I just can't believe that we have absolutely no damage, when others have lost all of their belongings. Every.single.thing they own. Some didn't even have shoes on, but you could tell that they were just thankful to be alive. To be breathing.  

Babies were torn from the arms of their mothers.  Other children have lost both parents and are now orphans. It breaks my heart to the core. I can't imagine. 

I'm still in shock. I've been a total zombie for days.

So far, all of my friends and family members have been accounted for.

I praise the Lord for his devine protection!

Prayers for Tucaloosa, Alabama

I'm currently in Tuscaloosa, Alabama (my hometown), and the devastation is horrific.  My dogs and I were in a safe place when the tornado hit yesterday afternoon.  DH is out of town for business.

Please keep family and friends in your thoughts and prayers. Many have been affected. 36 people have been confirmed dead in our town so far.

Here's a video of the tornado.