Sunday, January 29, 2012

It looks like I've lost count...maybe it's cycle #30 now

It's been quite some time since I last posted.   IUI #2 ended up not working, followed by a IUI #3 fail.  Right before the holidays. Needless to say, 2011 ended terrible.

I ended up getting a job, which I'm thankful for because we really need the funds to pay our bills.  However, I'm not all that excited about it - it's definitely not a position I would want to have for a very long time.  It seems like I'm still trying to find my purpose in life and it has really affected my day-to-day motivation as well as my marriage. I can't seem to be content with anything in my life right now. I'm not happy with where we live - missing my friends, and my family more than I ever have. Feeling really bitter towards DH because he seems to want to stay in school forever.  I'm tired of living like college students. I'm tired of being so worried about how we're going to pay our bills.  I'm worried that we'll never have a family and live a normal life.

I'm rambling and I can't stop.

I should be grateful for overall health (except having to deal with IF), having a roof over our heads, and getting a job, at where others would think is a pretty cool place. But I'm not happy with any of this... I just want DH to be finished with school, get a job, and move closer to our friends and our family.  I want to live in a home we can afford. I want to pay off our debt. I want to find a job I love. I want a family of our own.

And the rambling continues...

I'm trying to be happy and content with my life in this moment... This year... But I can't seem to see my purpose here on earth... I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that most of this doesn't even make sense. I'm trying my best to express how I feel so that I can try to understand myself.  I don't know what 2012 holds, but I'm praying it's better than the past couple of years.  Yet, at the same time, I'm really terrified that things will only get worse - which only makes me feel tense every second of the day.

Anyways, on the IF journey, we have been approved for IVF.  I should be jumping up for joy, right? But I'm not. I'm grateful, but still really sad that it has come to this.  That for some reason we were chosen to be 'The One in Eight Couple'.  I'm pretty bitter and angry about falling into that category. I hate it and didn't know how much it would brake me.  Maybe one day I'll look back and think that it was meant to be, that it was for a reason, but right now I'm mad that we have to go through this.

It's just not fair.

I start Lup.ron later this week for IVF.  I don't even know if I'm excited.  I just feel numb. I've been hurt by seeing so many BFNs, that I can't seem to even dream about it being any other way.

I guess that's what the Infertility Bitch has done to me.