Friday, November 25, 2011

Holy moly, we're on #28 now...

Well, here we are - 2 cycles after starting treatments, we've come to cycle #28.  I honestly thought the first time would work, since there was no indication it wouldn't - good follies, good spermies - but alas, it didn't :( and neither did IUI #2...

My RE decided to increase my dosage this time to 112.5iu of F (IUI#1&2 I was on 75iu). Nothing to report yet. I have b/w and u/s on Sunday to see how the follicles are growing and then we'll see when IUI #3 will be.  I hope it will be sometime after Tuesday since DH is out-of-town until then.

Ah, PLEASE Lord make this one work!

Monday, November 21, 2011

#27 in November wasn't great either...

In mid-November we started treatments for our 2nd IUI. We had 3 follicles: two were 14mm, and one was about 11mm (not great), but the RE expected them to grow a little more before the IUI two days after the scan.

The IUI was once again uneventful, quick and easy.  However, I felt different than the first time. During my 2WW I didn't feel anything - no twinges, no queasiness... nothing at all.  After my first IUI, I had lots of symptoms, so I wasn't feeling optimistic this time, but still had a *twinge* of hope.

I decided to POAS on 10dpiui. It was a BFN.

Then AF arrived two days later. I cried just a little and then moved on...

Now we're headed to our 3rd IUI. Our last one for the year.

Fingers and toes are crossed and prayers are lifted up that maybe our Christmas will be greeted with news of a baby, but I'm being cautious with my emotions this time. IF is cruel and suddenly I've noticed that sometimes I stop myself from dreaming...

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sweet October, turned bitter...

I hoped and prayed that #26 would be the lucky one.  That in October we would have some great things happen, in particular, that we would become pregnant.  In the end, that wasn't the case, and I'm sitting in my pajamas, as I have been all day, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

This past Friday was 10 dpiui and I was feeling hopeful.  I had felt a few symptoms: tired, growing breasts, queazy, and brownish spotting.  When I first saw the brownish/pinkish spotting, I was alarmed, but then read that it's normal during implantation, so I thought everything was going well.  I had a little more spotting on Saturday, but not much.  I hung on to the hope and I imagined a little tiny ball of cells implanting in my uterus and one day becoming our baby.

I felt tempted to take a HPT, but I was scared and couldn't bare to see that lonely line yet again.  I decided I would wait until at least 13 dpiui, and find out before my blood test on Tuesday.

This morning, Sunday (12 dpiui), I woke up with AF-like cramps and a terrible headache.  I thought this was just part of the implanting still going on.  A few hours after awakening, I saw the blood.  The oh-so familiar AF blood!  Still kind of in denial, I convinced myself it was implantation spotting.

However, it soon proved to be indeed AF's arrival. At CD22.

I told Mr. A.  He was in shock too, but didn't say anything.  I got back in my pajamas and cried myself into a mid-morning nap...

We had planned on going out to dinner with some friends tonight.  I've cried most of the day, so as you can imagine, I have puffy eyes and look like crap. Also, one of the gals that will be there just happens to be pregnant, therefore, I wasn't up to talking to her or asking her about her pregnancy.  She's not a close friend, so I don't feel bad for backing out.  I told Mr. A that he should still go.  He went, but before going he brought me some chocolate and mint oreo ice cream.  His sweetness made me cry all over again.

Here I am - back to CD1. I still have to go in on Tuesday for a blood test - I suppose to be completely sure I'm not pregnant.  I'm not sure what happens from there. I don't know if my RE will let me go on to the next cycle with, maybe with a higher dosage.  We'll see what he says tomorrow.

Hope I'll feel better and more optimistic in the next few days, but right now, I'm still in my pajamas and still crying...

Friday, October 21, 2011

Happy October ICLW!

I've skipped out on a few ICLWs because of all the chaos that August and September brought to my life. In September, I couldn't stop singing the song by Green Day "Wake me up when September ends."

Needless to say, I'm glad it's October.

Check out our long TTC Timeline.

Currently I'm in the 2WW after our very first IUI.  I'm 3dpiui.  CD 2-7 I gave myself injections, CD 8 Ovid.rel shot, and CD 10 was our IUI.  (I was monitored by my doctor - ultrasound and blood work on CD 6 and CD 8).

The morning of our IUI, both Mr. A and I were very nervous.  We decided to wake up three hours before we were scheduled to be at the clinic in order to have breakfast, shower, give DH enough time to provide the goods in a cup, and prepare ourselves mentally for what could be the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.  Poor DH wasn't very excited about having to provide his semen sample so early in the morning.  I kept reminding him of ALL the procedures I've had and how embarrassing it has been for me to allow so many different doctors and nurses see my privates.  Don't know if that was encouraging or just sad...

We arrived at the clinic an hour before the scheduled IUI.  The lab tech took DH's spermies.  It took about 45 minutes for the semen to be washed and prepared for the IUI.  After that, we were called to a room, and I was prepared for the IUI.  Within about 5 minutes the whole thing was done!  I felt a little cramping when the nurse injected the semen into my uterus, but overall it was the least painful procedure I've ever had.  Mr. A dropped me off at home before heading to work, and I got to spend the rest of the day resting and watching TV :)

I couldn't believe how easy and uneventful the whole thing was.  The nurse scheduled a blood test in about 14 days. So, now we wait...

The days since the IUI have been the longest 3 days.  Each day I keep thinking I have one symptom or another.  I don't know if I just have high hopes (which is good, right?) or if it's all in my head.

We're hoping October turns out to be a great month :)... praying it will be.

Happy ICLW!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sweet October: Will 26 be the lucky number?

I'm back! Sorry for the long absence.

Life has spun in several directions for us lately. August and September brought many trials our way.
  1. Our sweet dog died. 
  2. DH got a HUGE pay cut from his job. (I'm currently looking for a better paying job to help pay our bills).  Apparently, Stress is our new roommate.
  3. My pap smear and colposcopy were abnormal, so I had to have LEEP surgery, which was painful and postponed treatments.
  4. More pregnancy announcements from close friends that weren't TTC, one could have even been on the show 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'... (cue eyes rolling)...
  5. I turn 30 and I'm not happy about it.  Don't necessarily feel my best.  We don't have the money right now to do anything extravagant, so it ended up being a low-key dinner with friends. Memorable, but not what I was hoping for my 30th birthday.
Overall, September wasn't the best month.

We're hoping Sweet October will make us forget about all the terrible things that have happened this year.

Well, we're here, cycle #26.

We've come to the point in this journey where we feel one step closer to having a baby.  On October 10th, I started my Gonal-F injections.  A few months ago, I was terrified of giving myself shots, but this time, I couldn't get my hands on some GF fast enough!

I celebrated when AF arrived, in her predictable and timely fashion. I watched the online videos and followed along as I jabbed my abdomen in a dart like fashion with that needle, injected the medication and held the needle there for 5 seconds, as instructed. It wasn't bad at all!

I will give myself the last shot tomorrow night and then will go in for blood work on Friday morning. From there, I'll be advised on when to give myself the Ovidrel shot (to induce ovulation), and then we'll be scheduled for our very first IUI!  I'm guessing it will be sometime next Tuesday or Wednesday.

We're grateful that we're finally here. Finally on the fertility-treatment-road. After 25 cycles of heartbreak and sadness, we're praying that this one is the one. That at the end of Sweet October, we'll finally see our very first BFP.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

In mourning...

I just realized I missed the entire week of ICLW...

It's been a pretty tough week... month... year... for us.

Our sweet doggie died last week.  We miss her very much and think about her everyday.  My DH and I have been extremely sad :(

On the TTC front, our treatments have been delayed once again.  Surprise, surprise! My colposcopy showed moderate dysplasia, therefore I need to have LEEP surgery to remove the abnormal cells.

Due to my OB-GYN's busy schedule, my LEEP surgery will be in a few weeks, around CD21.  She said recovery will be a couple weeks, and she recommends we wait at least a month before starting fertility treatments.  Which means, not next month, but the following. So, here we are once again, playing the waiting game...

I've had it rough this year, but I do appreciate all the sweet, encouraging and thoughtful comments.  They really do wonders to lift the spirit. Thank you!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

"The Little Uterus That Could"... apparently can't

Well, it seems like I only write during ICLW.  Signing up for it motivates me to write, otherwise I would probably slack off even more.

Here is a list of excuses for not writing lately:
1. We moved... again
2. One of my dogs has been really sick.  We're just trying to keep her alive at the moment. It breaks my heart.
3. Access to internet was scarce
4. Lack of motivation

Lately, things have basically.... well, sucked!  I've been really depressed about so much.

We met with our RE and our diagnosis has stayed the same: completely and totally UNEXPLAINED! He gave us the go ahead to start treatments.  Our RE suggests medicated cycle (with Gonal-F injections) and IUI.  We're excited, yet terrified.  This could be it!  Also, I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of multiples resulting with this regimen.  Apparently, the statistics are 15-20% chance of twins with a medicated IUI.  That's pretty high.  I know that I would do anything for a child, but right now, I'm not sure if I want to risk it.  It's a tough decision.  We would be happy to have more than one, but we're just scared.  Scared for the babies and scared for my health.

So we're stuck.  I kept praying for some kind of peace and affirmation about the decision to either go ahead with the treatments this month or wait a few more cycles.

I don't know if this was some kind of answer to my prayers, but yesterday my OB-GYN called and said that my latest pap smear came back abnormal, therefore she suggests postponing treatments until after my colposcopy.  (Last summer, I also got an abnormal pap smear - had a colposcopy that showed nothing to worry about).

I cried after I got off the phone with her.  For real?!?!  How much more suckiness can one endure?

So even though this could possibly be an answer to my prayers (that we should wait a few more cycles to try treatments), I still can't get over the fact that all of the things that have happened this year, just plain suck!

Here are things I hope and pray for:
1. That my dog lives
2. That there's nothing serious going on and that the colposcopy will be normal
3. That we start feeling some peace about the decision to start treatments
4. That I'll have motivation to do... well, everything

I know I should be hopeful and that things will turn out for the best, they always somehow do.... even if we have to go through some really tough situations...

But right now, I feel like the little uterus that could, really can't... and there's really nothing I can do about it.

Friday, June 10, 2011

in the middle of peak season :)

At this point it's obvious that I received a visit from AF.  Again, she was right on time.

Right now I'm in the middle of peak season.  On CD14 today and DH arrives from a business trip.  I'm not planning on using any OPKs this time.  A few months ago I decided to let go of them and stop ordering more.  After 19 cycles of confirmed ovulation per OPK results, it was pretty apparent that there is something else going on.

I haven't had any EWCM yet.  Perhaps today is the day.  If that's the case, it will be a textbook ovulation right on CD14.  If only everything else was like that.

So, here we are.  Going on #22.  22 cycles of trying... of hoping... of praying.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Happy ICLW!!!

I'm excited it's ICLW!  I'm again a little late.  Not AF late, but posting late. We're two days into ICLW, and I'm just now writing. We've had so much happen in the past few weeks, that I haven't found the time to write.

Welcome to my blog!  Mucho gusto :)

Here's a little bit about our current TTC roller-coaster.

We're 20-month experts on the thing called 'baby dancing'... Ha... We met a fabulous RE in January, and he has done a series of test - including blood work and a saline infused sonography. On my saline infused sonography he saw something that he found alarming. Dr. B suspected Asherman's Syndrome (scar tissue) in my uterus.  He sent me to a specialist to get a Hysteroscopy a few weeks ago. (It actually wasn't too bad. At least not as painful as the HSG).  At the Hysteroscopy, the doc took a few pictures and within a few minutes she revealed that there was no scar tissue to be found! What?!?! Ghost scar tissue? I have no idea how it just disappeared.  Maybe the wheatgrass? Maybe the prayers? Probably both. I don't know.

DH and I were glad to find out that all is well with my uterus. Now we're back to square 'uno' and trying to figure out square 'dos'.  It's like the game of Twister.  Our bodies have to undergo so much testing and most time requires a little maneuvering.  We have to maneuver every.single.part of our life to try to find a baby at the end of this frustrating game.  Will it be next cycle?

DH's 3rd semen analysis came back okay.  Again, not fantastic, but average. Count was great, motility could be better. We're thinking about doing an unmedicated IUI sometime in the next few months.  If that doesn't work, square 'tres' will be a medicated IUI.  If that doesn't work, well, we'll see...

We timed BD this month.  Everything looked great - weather (cm), and everything else ;).  I'm currently 10 dpo.  I still haven't tested.  On 5 and 6 dpo I felt some cramping and twinges.  I almost had a little party, but then checked myself back to reality.  I want to be hopeful, but I don't want to get my hopes up because it just hurts too much to be disappointed yet again.  I haven't had any other symptoms besides the ones on those two days.

Either way, we keep on chugging.  I'm giving my uterus a little pep talk right now - my new nickname for my 'u' is the 'little uterus that could.' After all the test and intrusive examinations, she's still chugging along working like she's supposed to... well, besides not being able to house a little embryo, but I'm not gonna hold it against her.  At least not this time.

We'll be there some day. Oh shucks, here I go being hopeful again. It's a roller-coaster.

Good luck to all of you!  I hope I have time to visit new blogs this week.  I really want to get to know more of you awesome ladies... and gents.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Versatile Blogger

Both Stress Free Infertility and C awarded me The Versatile Blogger award several weeks ago, but I didn't get a chance to write a post because of what my hometown has endured recently. I know I'm super late (almost time for May ICLW), but here it is...

The rules:
1. Link back to the person who gave you the award

Thank you both! I am truly honored.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself

1. I hate chewing gum
2. I'm terrified of heights
3. I've lived in 3 countries
4. I don't like fast food and I love to cook!
5. I become "cleaning insane lady" a few days before AF arrives
6. I love reality TV.  I watch all kinds of mindless shows. Makes me feel better about my life.
7. I didn't like onions until a few years ago. I now love grilled onions!

3. Award other bloggers - The Versatile Blogger award is for 15 'recently discovered bloggers'  - I chose 14
Blogs I discovered during April ICLW are:

2. Misconceptions About Conception -
3. My daily mooosings in the Netherlands
5. From Ms. to Mrs.... & back to Ms. -
6. Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey with Infertility -
8. I Want to be a Daddy -
9. Rochelle at For all the things we hope for -
10. Poor Lucky Me -
11. The Bushey Life -
12. The Inadequate Conception -
13. Waiting for Stork -

I look forward to following each and every blog.  Good luck to all!
Happy early May ICLW!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Hanging on to Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

I hope to one day become a mother.  I cannot predict when this will happen for me - I can't see it.  Yet I hang on to that hope.  I am certain that one day I will see it happen.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and to those that hope to be mothers.

Monday, May 2, 2011

CD1 and I don't care... just happy to be alive.

I have a new perspective after the tornado ravaged my city on Wednesday, April 27, 2011, destroying buildings, homes, and lives. 

Today, I am not dwelling on the fact that I suffer from infertility.

Today, I am glad to be alive.  

I've been busy the past few days giving my all to my city.  I've volunteered to help collect and distribute donations of food, water, flashlights, toiletries, baby items, etc.  Basic essentials that we all tend to take for granted. I wish I could do more. I wish I could comfort those that lost children, parents, grandparents, and friends. I offer hugs, but I know that they won't bring back the people that were lost.  And it hurts.

I am in total disbelief that God spared my life.  The tornado that hit Tuscaloosa, was predicted to hit where I live, but instead took a turn, and touched down about 1/2 mile from our home.  I just can't believe that we have absolutely no damage, when others have lost all of their belongings. Every.single.thing they own. Some didn't even have shoes on, but you could tell that they were just thankful to be alive. To be breathing.  

Babies were torn from the arms of their mothers.  Other children have lost both parents and are now orphans. It breaks my heart to the core. I can't imagine. 

I'm still in shock. I've been a total zombie for days.

So far, all of my friends and family members have been accounted for.

I praise the Lord for his devine protection!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Prayers for Tucaloosa, Alabama

I'm currently in Tuscaloosa, Alabama (my hometown), and the devastation is horrific.  My dogs and I were in a safe place when the tornado hit yesterday afternoon.  DH is out of town for business.

Please keep family and friends in your thoughts and prayers. Many have been affected. 36 people have been confirmed dead in our town so far.

Here's a video of the tornado.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Today I felt the Joy for my unborn niece ... mi sobrina preciosa

A few days ago we found out that my little sister is going to have a little girl.

I will admit that when I heard the news that she was expecting (early this year), my first reaction was sadness.  It was not fair.  She's three years younger than me, had only been married for seven months, and wasn't planning on conceiving.

I had endured multiple - I mean a plethora - of intrusive exams for the past year.  The day before I found out about her baby, my DH and I had our first RE visit.  I was feeling optimistic about our next steps and feeling hopeful that we were close to finding answers. That excitement ended with that phone call.

It was a call I sort of dreaded.  I didn't think it would happen this soon. I didn't think it would be this way.  It felt like a huge punch in the stomach.

After the sadness subsided, I thought about my baby sister. I remember when she was born.  I remember holding her as an infant.  I was only just over three years old, but I remember feeling this strong love for her.  I remember thinking (in my three year old mind): "I am going to teach her everything I know.  I am going to protect her.  She is my sister and I will be a good friend and big sister to her."  Now there is a tiny baby growing inside of her.  And I am happy.

It took me a while to get to that point.  I cried and I cried. Then I cried because I felt guilty about crying. But the joy did come.  I still feel sadness, but not for her.  I feel sadness for us.  I've helped guide her through many things in life - her 1st day of kindergarten, fixed her ponytails for picture day, taught her how to ride a bike, held her hand on our walk to school, gave her advice when she experienced a broken heart ... and stood by her side as she married her incredible husband.

This time around, she will be a mother before I will.  Motherhood is not something that I know. I will not be able to guide her through her pregnancy or give her advice on what to do when the baby is born.  It hurts me that I can't do that.  This time she will have to teach me.  She will have to guide me.  I've taken a backseat and I feel a little defeated.

But today was different. Today, I felt the joy.  As I walked by the baby section of a department store, I saw a tiny little outfit with the imprint "My Auntie Loves Me".  I felt it right there - I felt joy for my niece.

My niece will be the first baby in our family (1st grandchild for my parents) and already she is loved more than she will ever know.  I look forward to holding her in my arms and telling her that she is loved by her Auntie.

To my sweet little niece: You have already changed my life, and I thank you for that.

Welcome to ICLW!

If you are stopping by for the first time via ICLW, welcome!  I'm trying my best to be better about posting on here, but don't seem to have much time in the past few weeks.

You can check out our TTC Timeline in the 2nd tab above.

Here are our current stats:
Married 4 years, 4 months. Trying to have a baby for almost two years (20 cycles to be exact).  I have fairly regular cycles and DH has okay swimmers.  I would say he got an 'A' on his recent SA.  Morphology is not the greatest, but also not of much concern to our RE.

We visited a fertility clinic in the South (of the USofA), where we are from, last year.  I wasn't very impressed with the care I received and therefore didn't want to pursue treatments with this particular clinic.  We moved to New England (MA) late last year (woohoo, we love it!), and we were very excited about more options for IF care.  In January 2011 we met with an amazing RE.  He scheduled a Saline Infused Sonography, and found scar tissue on the right side of my uterus.  I was very excited to finally have a possible explanation for our unexplained infertility.  Scar tissue could be the cause of our problems in trying to make a baby, as it prevents implantation.

So here we are, playing the waiting game once again.  I'm scheduled for my Hysteroscopy in a few weeks, and hopefully we'll be one step closer to creating life.

Happy ICLW my fellow IF bleeps!  I'm so glad to have you all as cheerleaders and race-to-baby buddies.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's CD1, and the only thing that could make me laugh is this video...

So, it's CD 1.  That means we've been TTC for 19 months unsuccessfully.  We've been doing the BDing for quite some time, and still haven't received the prize.

I'm not feeling chipper today, and the only thing that makes me crack a smile is this video.  I've seen it many times, but thought it needed to have a space on my blog.  So, here it is.

Pregnant Women are Smug


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I love my animals... but I hate PETA

PETA made a really bad choice recently to offer a free vasectomy for any man willing to neuter/spay their pet.  That wasn't what pissed me off.  It pissed me off that they are doing this 'in honor' of Infertility Awareness Week.  How is offering free vasectomies honoring infertility? After receiving tons of emails demanding that they remove the infertility reference, PETA has only made things worse.  A representative supposedly apologized (here's a link to that). Then PETA sent out responses to complaints - in one of the responses they said things like 'maybe you should just adopt'.  Just goes to show how clueless PETA representatives really are. I love my animals, but don't think that PETA is a reputable organization.  I will forever boycott them.

If PETA's actions have also bothered you, please sign this petition - Tell PETA: Infertility is not a joke

Here's a link to a great post one of my IF Tweeps posted. Also, I'd like to add it to my blog.

Here's the post from

I'm Interrupting the Love fest to hate on Peta

Shame on Peta for targeting RESOLVE's Infertility Awareness Week. I consider myself to more aware of animal rights than most. I don't eat much meat, and have spent about half of my life as a vegetarian. I am currently taking the steps to go almost vegan, have eliminated dairy from my diet, have cut the amount of meat I eat by over 75%, and have decided to only eat eggs derived from cruelty free farms. I adopted both my dogs from shelters, promote spay and neuter programs and try to educate family, friends and acquaintances about adoption, sterilization, and backyard breeders and puppy mills. I am slowly eliminating all products that do animal testing from my house, including Cascade, Neutrogena and Dial. I may not be doing everything I can, but I am doing more than most.

This being said, I do NOT appreciate being the target of Peta's sick joke about infertility by running a promotion IN HONOR OF RESOLVE'sInfertility Awareness Week. I've had enough of Peta's one sided, self-promotion. I have had enough of Peta's hypocrisy. I have had enough of Peta's smug attacks on a group of people that is already fighting so much misinformation. I will never click on another Peta link or refer back to the Peta website again.

Are you as pissed off as I am? Here's what you can do:

   1. Email Ingrid Newkirk, PETA President, directly at ingridn@peta.orgto express your outrage.
   2. Make a donation to RESOLVE in Ingrid Newkirk's name.
   3. Bust a myth for National Infertility Awareness Week.
   4. Write your own blog post expressing your outrage, tweet about it or Facebook it. Just don't link directly to the page to rob PETA of pageviews. Here's a handy screenshot instead.

Monday, April 4, 2011

A toast to ... blessings

A few weeks ago I attended a friend's birthday dinner.  I was preparing myself for a semi-awkward night because I was the only one there that is not yet a mother.  DH was out of town, so I had to face the evening alone surrounded by four other couples.  As expected, the evening was taken over by stories about children. The only time I was able to contribute to the conversation was during a small interval in which in-laws were discussed.  Other than that, I just listened.  My heart ached that I couldn't join them in the baby talk. I drowned myself in my only companion - a glass of wine... or maybe two... or three.

Two things hurt me during that dinner.

1) My only IF friend was present.  She was the first person I told about my IF struggle.  I felt safe sharing with her because we were going through it together.  In 2009, after about a year struggling with infertility, and some treatments later, she became pregnant.  In the Spring of 2010, she gave birth to twins.  There weren't very many people that knew about her struggle.  When others would ask if twins ran in her family, she would lie and say that they did.  Now, I don't know why anyone would ask that.  That's pretty intrusive.  I might have said the same, especially if I wasn't very close to the person that asked.  I think it's none of their business if it runs in her family or not.  However, as time progressed, I noticed a complete change in her.  I don't blame her too much, after all, we didn't have IF in common anymore. However, it still hurt.  Since she wasn't admitting her struggle to conceive or at least toning down some of her comments/actions, I felt like she was trying to do whatever possible to fit into the 'fertile' group, leaving IF behind, and with it our friendship.  She never talks about it anymore; sort of like pretending it never happened to her. I lost my friend to the smugness.  I know she doesn't mean to hurt me through some of the things she does.  I know it's not intentional.  This friend was at the dinner that night, and she didn't do much to make me feel a part of the group.  I was an outcast, and that was pretty disappointing. I'm going to try really hard to not follow in her footsteps when we do get pregnant and have children.  I'm going to try really hard to be sensitive to other IFers out there and never try to deny what we've been through.

2)  The part that really hit me during that dinner was the birthday girl's toast.  She had given birth to her second child about two months before, and her birthday dinner was her first night out.  She tapped her fork against her wine glass, and proceeded to give a toast.  First she thanked us for attending.  Then she said that four years ago she prayed to God for a wonderful husband.  God answered.  Then she prayed for two children before she turned 30 years old. God answered.  She said that she is in disbelief that God had so far answered her prayers exactly how she wanted them answered. I was pretty floored by her toast to say the least. I thought, wow, she must be God's favorite child! I know that's not true, but it sounded like it.  I've prayed for many things in my life.  I believe that God always answers prayers.  I don't think that they are answered in the exact way that I would want, but they are answered.

I realized at that moment that I am extremely blessed for the answers I've gotten.  I also prayed for a wonderful husband, and a family before a certain age.  I do have a pretty fantastic husband.  My children didn't arrive at the age I desired, and that is probably all in God's plan for my life. I know that eventually I will become a mother, whether it's through giving birth or via adoption.  I know that I've been blessed with the many things that I do have.  I have my health, aside from infertility.  I've had the opportunity to travel the world.  I've been able to live in three different countries.  I've learned new languages.  I've met some incredible people along the way. My life is full of great experiences.  All of which I never imagined. My dreams have been tiny compared to God's dream for my life.  That fact alone gives me more comfort than anything.

One thing is for sure, I've had the opportunity to meet some pretty amazing people on this IF journey. Most of them I've never met, but I've instantly felt a strong bond.  A strong connection like none other. I wouldn't change that for anything.

I am blessed beyond what I ever envisioned, and I'm glad that God didn't answer my prayers in the way I wanted them answered. All of the blessings I have I could not have even daydreamed. I am grateful. I am grateful for God's faithfulness and love.  I am confident that He knows the desires of my heart and that no matter what, my prayers are always answered.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Ima Slacker

Yes, that's me.  I've been slacking lately on updating my blog.  Mostly because I've been busy reading others... and because I discovered Twitter... uh-oh! :)  There's so much to this underground IF community.  It's all very interesting and encouraging.  Follow me on twitter - @oneineight

I'm going to at least try to write one post per week.  I promise.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

An unconventional...couple

Definition of unconventional - not conventional not bound by or conforming to convention, rule, or precedent; free from conventionality.  Yup, that's us.

As a child I always wanted to fit in.  I craved what others had.  My mother is Hispanic and my father is Anglo-American (is that the PC term nowadays?).  My parents have five children - yes, I did not inherit the 'fertile myrtle' gene that my mother apparently was blessed with.  Two languages were always spoken in our home since I can remember.  I don't remember when I noticed a difference - I didn't know we were speaking two languages until I started school and kids would ask me why my mother spoke funny - I later realized that that 'funny' talk was actually Spanish.  As a child, I wanted to blend in with everyone else, so I started pretending that I didn't know Spanish.  (Very interesting now - I'm another kind of statistic, something like 9% of Americans are bilingual, and 1 in 8 couples are infertile, according to  We fall under both of those statistics). Shortly after that, I realized that I would never be like everyone else. I began to embrace my differences.  It took a while, but I learned to love the unconventionality of my life.

Fast forward several years, and I meet someone that shares a lot of the same upbringing that I do, Mr. A.  He is also half-hispanic, half-american.  Because of very similar childhood/upbringing, and also because he is charming, intelligent and good looking, we hit it off right away.  Our meeting was also an unconventional one - while in college, I was visiting my parents and he was visiting his father (his parents are divorced) in a city that is 1,000 miles from where I lived, and 2,000 miles from where he lived.  It was by chance that we met, and by hard work that we made our relationship work. We understood each other.

Fast forward a few more years, we take the plunge and get hitched.  After marriage we move abroad for Mr. A's work.  We learn new things about a different culture, and we embrace the unique opportunity. Later, we move back to the U.S. and try to assimilate back into the norm, however, DH's work is not the 8-5 office job, he travels quite a bit, so again, not typical.  Or at least not typical for the average husband/wife situation.  I don't like it when he's away, but at the same time, it's great.  We feel like we're dating again. Each time we see each other after a long business trip, we feel giddy and excited to see each other. I love that feeling!

On the outside looking in, some might think that we're like every 'Joe six-pack' - actually, we're doing a little better than Joe. We might even look like the Joneses.  We own a beautiful home, we have two vehicles, we have two dogs, we get to travel, and don't have tons of debt on our hands. However, the most recent addition to our resume is that we have been diagnosed with Infertility.  As hard as that was for me to hear, I'm not surprised.  We don't fit into the little box of a perfect family, and that's fine, but it still hurt that this was one thing we couldn't control.

I've seen that some of our friends (not close friends,  but nonetheless friends) have the 8-5 jobs, the perfect little house, a dog, and 2.5 children. We have only half of those things in common with them, so we automatically don't fit in.  If you don't have children, it's hard to be included in some of the things they do, especially in the South.  We're not complaining.  DH and I have never fit in with the conventional way of living, and I've learned to embrace our unconventionality.  Actually, I've learned to love it!  We are both very unique people and always have different experiences to bring to the table.  We're well traveled and speak more than two languages - which is pretty rare in the U.S.  Many of our 'couple' friends just don't get us and don't bother trying to understand us, even though we continue to try to understand them.  We've learned to not sweat it and appreciate the real friends that we do have.  I didn't reach that understanding until recently, mostly after a very needed reunion with three of my best friends.  I've realized that my friendships with them are also very unconventional.  We are all in different places in our lives, we all live in different cities, but the four of us share this pretty strong bond.  A bond that is hard to describe; a bond that will never be broken by conventionality.

So here we are.  The unconventional couple.  The unconventional infertile couple.  We don't like all of the words in the last sentence, but it has become part of who we are, and we will deal with it as best as we can.  We will embrace what God has given us, and continue to pray that one day we'll be "The Unconventional Family."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

In a good place...

Last year was a very difficult year for me.  We moved to a big city, our first dog died of unknown causes, everyone around us was having babies, we spent lots of time in the doctor's office trying to figure out why we couldn't have babies, and our marriage was suffering the consequences and tension that TTC can bring. It was a very stressful and depressing time.  I prayed that 2011 would be better.

In 2010, my DH was starting to really get worried about me.  He couldn't understand why I was so obsessed with the baby making process.  I felt like my biological clock was ticking, ticking and ticking.  He just didn't get it.  He always tries to fix everything to make things better, so his solution was for me to try to figure out how to deal with the anxiety.  I turned to my dear friend, the computer, along with it's friend, Mr. Google.  My friend Google introduced me to this underground world of the IF community.  I was amazed!  That was about a year ago.  Since then, I've found some amazing women that have been incredibly encouraging.  They don't even know it, but they helped turn my life around.  Everyday I would look forward to what they had to say.  I loved following along in their TTC journey.  I should have started to write back then, but instead I spent all my free time reading their stories.  These women (some might be reading this now), shared their struggles, their fears, and even found humor in what they were going through. Sometimes, I think I should have written what I was going through during those dark, dark days, but I know that my way of dealing with this disability was by hearing stories.  Hearing stories of success and hearing stories of happiness.  That is what got me through last year.

Today, I sit here, still with no baby to hold, but I am confident that we will one day be there.  We will one day be on the other side of this journey.  Today, I am grateful for what I have.  I am grateful for Mr. A.  I am grateful for what I've learned. I am grateful that God has been so faithful.  He has shown up in all of you women out there, to help me get through the tough times.  

Thank you to all the IF bloggies out there! You mean so much to me.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day... Infertile style!

I read this on 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. I love visiting this blog; it always cracks me up and helps me find the humor in infertility. 

Here are some tips on how to spend St.Patty’s Day… Infertile Style!
  1. Wear a pair of good-luck green underwear to your transvaginal appointment.
  2. Start your day with Lucky Charms cereal to give you some luck.
  3. Ask your fertility doctor to paint your fertilized embryos green.
  4. Find a leprechaun to rub your belly.
  5. Ask your partner to dress like a leprechaun and get busy.
  6. Pour some green food coloring into your husband’s semen analysis cup.
  7. Paint your face green and pretend that you have morning sickness.
  8. Find a four leaf clover and ask your RE to insert it directly into your uterus.
My favorite is #1 :) I would totally do that.

Mr. A is coming home today after almost two weeks of being away for business.  I'm so excited! We've been together for almost ten years (married for 4 of those), and I still feel giddy when we are reunited.  I clean the house, I wash the sheets, I get all dolled up (cute clothes, make-up, lots of perfume, etc.).  I count down the hours until I get to see him again.  I love that feeling!  Tonight, in honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm gonna wear some sexy green panties... someone is definitely getting lucky tonight :)....I know, I know, second post and already TMI?!?  But I don't care, I feel safe here.  I can say whatever I want.  Oh, and by the way, we're gonna have some "just for fun sex"... *cue gasp* That's right, you heard it! Not expecting to be BDing this cycle.  Work/business trips have gotten in the way, but I'm not going to cry this time.  I'm somewhere around CD7, hubby goes away again for work on Sunday CD10, just before O Day, so probably not gonna happen.  I'm okay though.  I'm going to enjoy just being with my husband and acting like we're 20 years old again.  After I pick him up from the airport, we plan on going out to dinner, then maybe doing some pub crawling, then gettin' lucky. I can't wait!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 1, joining Blogland

I'm not sure how to start this blog.  I'm not exactly inspired to write today, so it'll be a short one.  I decided to start writing about our struggle with infertility because I think it will be greatly therapeutic.  I've come across so many IF blogs, and I've learned that I am not alone in this journey.  I hope to share my story and perhaps encourage others the way I've been encouraged.