Well, it seems like I only write during ICLW. Signing up for it motivates me to write, otherwise I would probably slack off even more.
Here is a list of excuses for not writing lately:
1. We moved... again
2. One of my dogs has been really sick. We're just trying to keep her alive at the moment. It breaks my heart.
3. Access to internet was scarce
4. Lack of motivation
Lately, things have basically.... well, sucked! I've been really depressed about so much.
We met with our RE and our diagnosis has stayed the same: completely and totally UNEXPLAINED! He gave us the go ahead to start treatments. Our RE suggests medicated cycle (with Gonal-F injections) and IUI. We're excited, yet terrified. This could be it! Also, I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of multiples resulting with this regimen. Apparently, the statistics are 15-20% chance of twins with a medicated IUI. That's pretty high. I know that I would do anything for a child, but right now, I'm not sure if I want to risk it. It's a tough decision. We would be happy to have more than one, but we're just scared. Scared for the babies and scared for my health.
So we're stuck. I kept praying for some kind of peace and affirmation about the decision to either go ahead with the treatments this month or wait a few more cycles.
I don't know if this was some kind of answer to my prayers, but yesterday my OB-GYN called and said that my latest pap smear came back abnormal, therefore she suggests postponing treatments until after my colposcopy. (Last summer, I also got an abnormal pap smear - had a colposcopy that showed nothing to worry about).
I cried after I got off the phone with her. For real?!?! How much more suckiness can one endure?
So even though this could possibly be an answer to my prayers (that we should wait a few more cycles to try treatments), I still can't get over the fact that all of the things that have happened this year, just plain suck!
Here are things I hope and pray for:
1. That my dog lives
2. That there's nothing serious going on and that the colposcopy will be normal
3. That we start feeling some peace about the decision to start treatments
4. That I'll have motivation to do... well, everything
I know I should be hopeful and that things will turn out for the best, they always somehow do.... even if we have to go through some really tough situations...
But right now, I feel like the little uterus that could, really can't... and there's really nothing I can do about it.