Friday, April 22, 2011

Today I felt the Joy for my unborn niece ... mi sobrina preciosa

A few days ago we found out that my little sister is going to have a little girl.

I will admit that when I heard the news that she was expecting (early this year), my first reaction was sadness.  It was not fair.  She's three years younger than me, had only been married for seven months, and wasn't planning on conceiving.

I had endured multiple - I mean a plethora - of intrusive exams for the past year.  The day before I found out about her baby, my DH and I had our first RE visit.  I was feeling optimistic about our next steps and feeling hopeful that we were close to finding answers. That excitement ended with that phone call.

It was a call I sort of dreaded.  I didn't think it would happen this soon. I didn't think it would be this way.  It felt like a huge punch in the stomach.

After the sadness subsided, I thought about my baby sister. I remember when she was born.  I remember holding her as an infant.  I was only just over three years old, but I remember feeling this strong love for her.  I remember thinking (in my three year old mind): "I am going to teach her everything I know.  I am going to protect her.  She is my sister and I will be a good friend and big sister to her."  Now there is a tiny baby growing inside of her.  And I am happy.

It took me a while to get to that point.  I cried and I cried. Then I cried because I felt guilty about crying. But the joy did come.  I still feel sadness, but not for her.  I feel sadness for us.  I've helped guide her through many things in life - her 1st day of kindergarten, fixed her ponytails for picture day, taught her how to ride a bike, held her hand on our walk to school, gave her advice when she experienced a broken heart ... and stood by her side as she married her incredible husband.

This time around, she will be a mother before I will.  Motherhood is not something that I know. I will not be able to guide her through her pregnancy or give her advice on what to do when the baby is born.  It hurts me that I can't do that.  This time she will have to teach me.  She will have to guide me.  I've taken a backseat and I feel a little defeated.

But today was different. Today, I felt the joy.  As I walked by the baby section of a department store, I saw a tiny little outfit with the imprint "My Auntie Loves Me".  I felt it right there - I felt joy for my niece.

My niece will be the first baby in our family (1st grandchild for my parents) and already she is loved more than she will ever know.  I look forward to holding her in my arms and telling her that she is loved by her Auntie.

To my sweet little niece: You have already changed my life, and I thank you for that.

24 comments:

  1. This is a beautiful post, Carmela.

    I am trying hard not to weep with all the emotions I felt while reading it.

    Your sister is so lucky to have you, and your niece will be luckier to have you as an Aunt.

    Sending you good thoughts, and all the positive energy, that replenishes itself as you need it on your journey with your husband.

    Joanna
    ICLW ~ #20

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  2. Hi Carmela. Stopping by from ICLW. I know exactly how you feel. Shortly after losing our first son, who was conceived through IVF, my brother called to tell me that he and his wife were expecting twin boys. I was devastated to say the least and felt so bad for feeling that way since my brother and I are very close. But as time went on, it got easier. Although I can't visit them right now, my saddness has moved on to happiness for them and I wish them nothing but the best. Good luck to you in your journey and being an Aunt will be a wonderful time for you.

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  3. Also stopping by from ICLW! I can definitely relate to the feeling of sadness when someone else announces their pregnancy. It's hard... under normal circumstances you would be happy, and yeah you still are happy, but it feels like a failure of yours. Trust me I know this feeling all too well, and can imagine how you feel. :( I'm so glad you are able to be excited to be an aunt, congratulations to you! Keep positive!

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  4. This is so sweet! I am so glad you have felt the joy! But I too know what it feels like though to go through that. My twin sister didn't have ANY problem getting pregnant and although it happened for her 5 months after me (RIGHT AWAY) it still hurt. And when we both tried for our 2nd, I was miscarrying after a recent IVF and she was getting pregnant RIGHT AWAY AGAIN!!! That was definitely tough but I got pregnant soon after her and now our kids are very close in age and it's really a wonderful thing! Hopefully it will happen for you one day soon too.

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  5. BTW, I just added your link and now following! Welcome to the blogosphere and happy ICLW!

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  6. I know how it feels. Am so glad you are able to feel the joy. It took me much longer when my sister got pregnant with her daughter. We are rooting for you! You WILL become a mother soon, a wonderful mother.

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  7. This is a beautiful post. Once we overcome the shock, we accept and enjoy. You are going to be a brilliant aunty. I see you are a follower of Haidee (Maybe Baby or Maybe the Loony Bin), so I know your heart must be a good one.

    I hope you are not far behind your sister. I hope you sister gets excited about buying her own Aunty top to buy for your child...

    Tee @ infertilitee@blogspot.com.. Happy ICLW..

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  8. Thank you all for the encouragement! It means a lot.

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  9. Just came back to tell you I gave you an award! Check it out at Stress Free Infertility!

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  10. Carmela, I went through something similar earlier this year (unfortunately the person ended up miscarrying)...they were definitely NOT trying and we had our first visit with the RE that same week...it was a tough time for me and then I felt guilty after she miscarried. You have such a great outlook and explained it so beautifully. I really look forward to following your blog.

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  11. Hey! Stopping in from ICLOW - I love this post.
    Just think, you still get to teach your sister: how to be the world's best Auntie.
    Hugs - and I hope you get some answers soon.

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  12. I love what Marianne just posted. I truly believe that one of the reasons that I am on this earth was to be an awesome aunt. My sister had my niece and nephew before I knew about my own infertility, so I can't relate completely, but I can tell you that being an incredibly fun and involved aunt is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

    I think you have a terrific attitude.

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  13. Wonderful post! Happy ICLW! :)

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  14. I gave you an award, check out my blog for details.

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  15. Krissi & C, thank you for the awards! My very firsts! I'm so honored... I'm working on writing a post soon :)

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  16. Here from ICLW (#54). Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    I really enjoyed reading this post and I know your sister would too. This kind of love for your niece and your sister shows just how wonderful a mom you will be.

    Good luck on your journey.

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  17. Being a big sister is hard work. I'm a big sister too (3 yrs apart from one sister, and 6 yrs apart for the other). So I can sort of understand how you feel about her being younger and having a baby. All I can say is hang in there.

    ICLW #32

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  18. Hi! I'm stopping by fro ICLW and I have to say you brought tears to my eyes with this beautiful post. it will be your turn too. Love, Fran ICLW #131

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  19. What a beautiful post. I have tears in my eyes. I became an Aunt for the first time when I was 11 and now have many nieces and nephews and even great nieces and nephews. It's wonderful feeling and when it is your sister's turn, you can teach her how to be an aunt! :)

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  20. Oh and P.S. thanks for stopping by my blog!

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  21. Hi Carmela - thanks for stopping by my blog and the great comment.
    It is so tough when someone close to you announces their pregnancy, even worse when it's your sister. So well done on turning it around into a positive thing. Good for you.
    hugs from Heather

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  22. Hi, stopping by from ICLW. I have a little sister too who is not TTC yet, and I can imagine how hard it would be to learn that she was pregnant. I'm glad you were able to feel some joy!

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  23. such a beautiful post! it's so hard to be happy for others, even if they are family, when it feels like they're passing you by. i'm impressed with your attitude toward the situation.

    thanks for stopping by my blog for ICLW!

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  24. I love this post. Maybe its time she gets to teach you. Maybe it will bring a new depth to your relationship. Good luck ICLW #156

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