It looks like I've lost count...maybe it's cycle #30 now

It's been quite some time since I last posted.   IUI #2 ended up not working, followed by a IUI #3 fail.  Right before the holidays. Needless to say, 2011 ended terrible.

I ended up getting a job, which I'm thankful for because we really need the funds to pay our bills.  However, I'm not all that excited about it - it's definitely not a position I would want to have for a very long time.  It seems like I'm still trying to find my purpose in life and it has really affected my day-to-day motivation as well as my marriage. I can't seem to be content with anything in my life right now. I'm not happy with where we live - missing my friends, and my family more than I ever have. Feeling really bitter towards DH because he seems to want to stay in school forever.  I'm tired of living like college students. I'm tired of being so worried about how we're going to pay our bills.  I'm worried that we'll never have a family and live a normal life.

I'm rambling and I can't stop.

I should be grateful for overall health (except having to deal with IF), having a roof over our heads, and getting a job, at where others would think is a pretty cool place. But I'm not happy with any of this... I just want DH to be finished with school, get a job, and move closer to our friends and our family.  I want to live in a home we can afford. I want to pay off our debt. I want to find a job I love. I want a family of our own.

And the rambling continues...

I'm trying to be happy and content with my life in this moment... This year... But I can't seem to see my purpose here on earth... I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that most of this doesn't even make sense. I'm trying my best to express how I feel so that I can try to understand myself.  I don't know what 2012 holds, but I'm praying it's better than the past couple of years.  Yet, at the same time, I'm really terrified that things will only get worse - which only makes me feel tense every second of the day.

Anyways, on the IF journey, we have been approved for IVF.  I should be jumping up for joy, right? But I'm not. I'm grateful, but still really sad that it has come to this.  That for some reason we were chosen to be 'The One in Eight Couple'.  I'm pretty bitter and angry about falling into that category. I hate it and didn't know how much it would brake me.  Maybe one day I'll look back and think that it was meant to be, that it was for a reason, but right now I'm mad that we have to go through this.

It's just not fair.

I start Lup.ron later this week for IVF.  I don't even know if I'm excited.  I just feel numb. I've been hurt by seeing so many BFNs, that I can't seem to even dream about it being any other way.

I guess that's what the Infertility Bitch has done to me.

Holy moly, we're on #28 now...

Well, here we are - 2 cycles after starting treatments, we've come to cycle #28.  I honestly thought the first time would work, since there was no indication it wouldn't - good follies, good spermies - but alas, it didn't :( and neither did IUI #2...

My RE decided to increase my dosage this time to 112.5iu of Gon.al F (IUI#1&2 I was on 75iu). Nothing to report yet. I have b/w and u/s on Sunday to see how the follicles are growing and then we'll see when IUI #3 will be.  I hope it will be sometime after Tuesday since DH is out-of-town until then.

Ah, PLEASE Lord make this one work!

#27 in November wasn't great either...

In mid-November we started treatments for our 2nd IUI. We had 3 follicles: two were 14mm, and one was about 11mm (not great), but the RE expected them to grow a little more before the IUI two days after the scan.

The IUI was once again uneventful, quick and easy.  However, I felt different than the first time. During my 2WW I didn't feel anything - no twinges, no queasiness... nothing at all.  After my first IUI, I had lots of symptoms, so I wasn't feeling optimistic this time, but still had a *twinge* of hope.

I decided to POAS on 10dpiui. It was a BFN.

Then AF arrived two days later. I cried just a little and then moved on...

Now we're headed to our 3rd IUI. Our last one for the year.

Fingers and toes are crossed and prayers are lifted up that maybe our Christmas will be greeted with news of a baby, but I'm being cautious with my emotions this time. IF is cruel and suddenly I've noticed that sometimes I stop myself from dreaming...

Sweet October, turned bitter...

I hoped and prayed that #26 would be the lucky one.  That in October we would have some great things happen, in particular, that we would become pregnant.  In the end, that wasn't the case, and I'm sitting in my pajamas, as I have been all day, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

This past Friday was 10 dpiui and I was feeling hopeful.  I had felt a few symptoms: tired, growing breasts, queazy, and brownish spotting.  When I first saw the brownish/pinkish spotting, I was alarmed, but then read that it's normal during implantation, so I thought everything was going well.  I had a little more spotting on Saturday, but not much.  I hung on to the hope and I imagined a little tiny ball of cells implanting in my uterus and one day becoming our baby.

I felt tempted to take a HPT, but I was scared and couldn't bare to see that lonely line yet again.  I decided I would wait until at least 13 dpiui, and find out before my blood test on Tuesday.

This morning, Sunday (12 dpiui), I woke up with AF-like cramps and a terrible headache.  I thought this was just part of the implanting still going on.  A few hours after awakening, I saw the blood.  The oh-so familiar AF blood!  Still kind of in denial, I convinced myself it was implantation spotting.

However, it soon proved to be indeed AF's arrival. At CD22.

I told Mr. A.  He was in shock too, but didn't say anything.  I got back in my pajamas and cried myself into a mid-morning nap...

We had planned on going out to dinner with some friends tonight.  I've cried most of the day, so as you can imagine, I have puffy eyes and look like crap. Also, one of the gals that will be there just happens to be pregnant, therefore, I wasn't up to talking to her or asking her about her pregnancy.  She's not a close friend, so I don't feel bad for backing out.  I told Mr. A that he should still go.  He went, but before going he brought me some chocolate and mint oreo ice cream.  His sweetness made me cry all over again.

Here I am - back to CD1. I still have to go in on Tuesday for a blood test - I suppose to be completely sure I'm not pregnant.  I'm not sure what happens from there. I don't know if my RE will let me go on to the next cycle with Gon.al-F, maybe with a higher dosage.  We'll see what he says tomorrow.

Hope I'll feel better and more optimistic in the next few days, but right now, I'm still in my pajamas and still crying...

Happy October ICLW!

I've skipped out on a few ICLWs because of all the chaos that August and September brought to my life. In September, I couldn't stop singing the song by Green Day "Wake me up when September ends."

Needless to say, I'm glad it's October.

Check out our long TTC Timeline.

Currently I'm in the 2WW after our very first IUI.  I'm 3dpiui.  CD 2-7 I gave myself Gon.al-F injections, CD 8 Ovid.rel shot, and CD 10 was our IUI.  (I was monitored by my doctor - ultrasound and blood work on CD 6 and CD 8).

The morning of our IUI, both Mr. A and I were very nervous.  We decided to wake up three hours before we were scheduled to be at the clinic in order to have breakfast, shower, give DH enough time to provide the goods in a cup, and prepare ourselves mentally for what could be the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.  Poor DH wasn't very excited about having to provide his semen sample so early in the morning.  I kept reminding him of ALL the procedures I've had and how embarrassing it has been for me to allow so many different doctors and nurses see my privates.  Don't know if that was encouraging or just sad...

We arrived at the clinic an hour before the scheduled IUI.  The lab tech took DH's spermies.  It took about 45 minutes for the semen to be washed and prepared for the IUI.  After that, we were called to a room, and I was prepared for the IUI.  Within about 5 minutes the whole thing was done!  I felt a little cramping when the nurse injected the semen into my uterus, but overall it was the least painful procedure I've ever had.  Mr. A dropped me off at home before heading to work, and I got to spend the rest of the day resting and watching TV :)

I couldn't believe how easy and uneventful the whole thing was.  The nurse scheduled a blood test in about 14 days. So, now we wait...

The days since the IUI have been the longest 3 days.  Each day I keep thinking I have one symptom or another.  I don't know if I just have high hopes (which is good, right?) or if it's all in my head.

We're hoping October turns out to be a great month :)... praying it will be.

Happy ICLW!

Sweet October: Will 26 be the lucky number?

I'm back! Sorry for the long absence.

Life has spun in several directions for us lately. August and September brought many trials our way.

1. Our sweet dog died. 
2. DH got a HUGE pay cut from his job. (I'm currently looking for a better paying job to help pay our bills).  Apparently, Stress is our new roommate.
3. My pap smear and colposcopy were abnormal, so I had to have LEEP surgery, which was painful and postponed treatments.
4. More pregnancy announcements from close friends that weren't TTC, one could have even been on the show 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'... (cue eyes rolling)...
5. I turn 30 and I'm not happy about it.  Don't necessarily feel my best.  We don't have the money right now to do anything extravagant, so it ended up being a low-key dinner with friends. Memorable, but not what I was hoping for my 30th birthday.

Overall, September wasn't the best month.

We're hoping Sweet October will make us forget about all the terrible things that have happened this year.

Well, we're here, cycle #26.

We've come to the point in this journey where we feel one step closer to having a baby.  On October 10th, I started my Gonal-F injections.  A few months ago, I was terrified of giving myself shots, but this time, I couldn't get my hands on some GF fast enough!

I celebrated when AF arrived, in her predictable and timely fashion. I watched the online videos and followed along as I jabbed my abdomen in a dart like fashion with that needle, injected the medication and held the needle there for 5 seconds, as instructed. It wasn't bad at all!

I will give myself the last shot tomorrow night and then will go in for blood work on Friday morning. From there, I'll be advised on when to give myself the Ovidrel shot (to induce ovulation), and then we'll be scheduled for our very first IUI!  I'm guessing it will be sometime next Tuesday or Wednesday.

We're grateful that we're finally here. Finally on the fertility-treatment-road. After 25 cycles of heartbreak and sadness, we're praying that this one is the one. That at the end of Sweet October, we'll finally see our very first BFP.

Praying.

In mourning...

I just realized I missed the entire week of ICLW...

It's been a pretty tough week... month... year... for us.

Our sweet doggie died last week.  We miss her very much and think about her everyday.  My DH and I have been extremely sad :(

On the TTC front, our treatments have been delayed once again.  Surprise, surprise! My colposcopy showed moderate dysplasia, therefore I need to have LEEP surgery to remove the abnormal cells.

Due to my OB-GYN's busy schedule, my LEEP surgery will be in a few weeks, around CD21.  She said recovery will be a couple weeks, and she recommends we wait at least a month before starting fertility treatments.  Which means, not next month, but the following. So, here we are once again, playing the waiting game...

I've had it rough this year, but I do appreciate all the sweet, encouraging and thoughtful comments.  They really do wonders to lift the spirit. Thank you!