Hope...hanging by a thread

If you are visiting from ICLW, welcome and thanks for stopping by. Sorry this post isn't going to sound very optimistic.

I am currently 8 days past our 5 day transfer (frozen embryo from our 2012 IVF). The embryo was rated by our clinic as a 3BB, which is apparently pretty average. I have not POAS and I'm honestly just plain terrified. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also hope for the best. It's nothing but a mind game. The google devil doesn't help, and I'm glad I have stopped googling for a few days now. I feel things, I'm just not sure they are pregnancy things.

Just because I started keeping track of symptoms, here is the list I've noted for 5dp5dt -7dp5dt (I'll tell you this, it's not very exciting):

5dp5dt

•  smells seemed stronger

6dp5dt

• nothing

7dp5dt

• dizzy
• aversion to Lasagna for dinner.
• Dreamt that a child from the Duggar Family (family in the US that has 19 kids) was given to me as a consolation prize for getting a BFN. WTH?

So far, my list looks hopeful, but one thing that keeps me thinking that this did not work, is that I'm not really waking up in the middle of the night to pee. With my first IVF fresh transfer, I noticed I was getting up at 2 am to use the bathroom the night after the transfer and we ended up getting a BFP. Why am I basing everything on this one thing? I have no idea. Some moments in the day, I feel tugging, I feel a heaviness in my uterus, I feel something going on. Then other moments, everything is gone. Ahhhh!!!

I'm trying to prepare myself for a negative in case that happens. I'm not motivated to do anything or go anywhere until I find out. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting and waiting for the time to pass. I'm not enjoying every moment of the day. I feel anxious and scared. What will happen if this doesn't work? Will we one day be able to add to our family? At the same time I feel extremely fortunate that we have our son. That through years of trying, our first IVF was successful and we brought home an amazing person. You would think that that would make me feel better. Maybe feel complete, but it doesn't. Infertility sticks around, and you try to fight it even more the second time around. You know how great is it to finally feel like you defeated IF, but then you find yourself back to the same place. Hopeful, then scared, then angry, then anxious... and back to hopeful.

Beta is tomorrow.

AHHH! (and I'm back at 'scared').