Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Hope...hanging by a thread

If you are visiting from ICLW, welcome and thanks for stopping by. Sorry this post isn't going to sound very optimistic.

I am currently 8 days past our 5 day transfer (frozen embryo from our 2012 IVF). The embryo was rated by our clinic as a 3BB, which is apparently pretty average. I have not POAS and I'm honestly just plain terrified. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also hope for the best. It's nothing but a mind game. The google devil doesn't help, and I'm glad I have stopped googling for a few days now. I feel things, I'm just not sure they are pregnancy things.

Just because I started keeping track of symptoms, here is the list I've noted for 5dp5dt -7dp5dt (I'll tell you this, it's not very exciting):

  •  smells seemed stronger
  • nothing
  • dizzy
  • aversion to Lasagna for dinner.
  • Dreamt that a child from the Duggar Family (family in the US that has 19 kids) was given to me as a consolation prize for getting a BFN. WTH?
So far, my list looks hopeful, but one thing that keeps me thinking that this did not work, is that I'm not really waking up in the middle of the night to pee. With my first IVF fresh transfer, I noticed I was getting up at 2 am to use the bathroom the night after the transfer and we ended up getting a BFP. Why am I basing everything on this one thing? I have no idea. Some moments in the day, I feel tugging, I feel a heaviness in my uterus, I feel something going on. Then other moments, everything is gone. Ahhhh!!!

I'm trying to prepare myself for a negative in case that happens. I'm not motivated to do anything or go anywhere until I find out. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting and waiting for the time to pass. I'm not enjoying every moment of the day. I feel anxious and scared. What will happen if this doesn't work? Will we one day be able to add to our family? At the same time I feel extremely fortunate that we have our son. That through years of trying, our first IVF was successful and we brought home an amazing person. You would think that that would make me feel better. Maybe feel complete, but it doesn't. Infertility sticks around, and you try to fight it even more the second time around. You know how great is it to finally feel like you defeated IF, but then you find yourself back to the same place. Hopeful, then scared, then angry, then anxious... and back to hopeful.

Beta is tomorrow.

AHHH! (and I'm back at 'scared').


  1. I know it's next to impossible, but try not to go to the darkest place. Even if you don't get the news you want tomorrow, this isn't the end of your family building. Don't think that. Live in THIS moment while you are here. What's down the road is down the road. Best of luck tomorrow.

    1. Thank you so much for the sweet words of encouragement!!! I really need to take those words to heart and live in this moment. Very good thing to remind myself of :)

  2. I'm lighting a candle for you this evening sweetie. Just for you. So that you know regardless of what happens people care for you!!

    I'm returning your comment from ICLW and wanted you to know I understand. I went into the psychic terrified she was going to tell me something horrible.

    If you ever want a rune reading from someone 'new' to it. Give me a holler. I'd be happy to read them for you

    1. Aw, thank you! It's so comforting to know that others are thinking of me while I drive myself nuts ;) Tomorrow we'll know one way or another, and then we will learn to move forward.

  3. Good luck tomorrow! In my first medicated TWW, I would play this game where I would a google a specific symptoms along with "pregnancy symptom" and get a whole bunch of hits and then I would google the same symptoms with "progesterone symptom" and get a bunch more hits. This was enough to get me to stop trying to read too much into anything. I felt less pregnant during my wait the time that I was then I did I the time I wasn't. It's such a huge crapshoot, but I would think you should have good odds given that you were successful on your first try that last time. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

    1. Yup, that's exactly what I do to myself. Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. My fingers are crossed for you! That Duggar kid dream is too funny.

  5. Hi from ICLW. Really hoping you got good news!

  6. Hi from ICLW! I am so excited for you and am very hopeful this IVF cycle worked for you! Sending you hugs and lots of prayers! No matter what....NEVER GIVE UP and stay hopeful! You can do this!