The all too familiar lonely line...

The all too familiar lonely line... Yes, that's what I saw on the HPT today at 9 days past 5 day transfer.

I woke up this morning around 5:45 am with the urge to pee. I decided to go ahead and POAS, but wait until after coming back from the lab to look at it. I carefully placed it under the sink and went back to sleep until it was time to head to the lab around 7 am.

I looked at the stick after I returned from the lab and very clearly saw just.one.lonely.line.

I wasn't feeling very hopeful. Partly because I've felt lots of things happen in the last few days. Here is the updated list of symptoms -

8dp5dt

• Light pain and cramping on the left side of my uterus
• Heaviness feeling in uterus
• My breasts feel heavier & look bigger. Also, I felt a bit of tingling in them. Sort of like what a 'let down' feels like when you are breastfeeding. 

9dp5dt 

• Cramps 
• Heaviness feeling in uterus 
• Same deal with my boobs (heavier, bigger, let down & tingly feeling).

You would think that these symptoms would be reassuring, but just knowing my body, I didn't feel hopeful that this was from pregnancy. I felt a lot of these same symptoms after my 3 medicated IUIs, when I swore I would see a BFP. I never did. I didn't have ANY symptoms (except for the urge to pee in the middle of the night) after my fresh IVF transfer. And that is the ONLY time I have seen a BFP -  it was 11 days past a 3 day transfer (read more on that here March 2012). I felt amazing while pregnant. I had more energy than ever before. It was very strange. I think my hormones were finally stable. Who knows, really?

My doctor in Boston had to send over the paperwork to the lab here in Texas. The lab was suppose to send the results back by end of day today. That apparently didn't happen. I'm pretty sure it's going to be negative for pregnancy, but still have to wait for them to confirm it. Blah!

I have surprisingly felt okay about it. Not what I thought I would feel. I cried a little while I prepared breakfast for my son.

Then I felt a wave of gratefulness. After 5 procedures - 3 medicated IUIs, 1 IVF, and 1 FET -  lots of tears and prayers, I still have my son. I was reminded how blessed I am when he said very sweetly, "Thank you, Mommy!" as I fed him breakfast. Seriously, how amazing is that?!?

I'm sad I won't get to see what that embie could have been. How it could have fit into our family. I'm comforted in knowing that I did everything I could to help make this successful, but I know that no matter what, the end result would be out of my hands.

I'm not sure what we're going to do next. We have no embryos left and we don't have the money to pay for another IVF. I know that we won't completely give up on having another child, I'm just not sure how that will happen.

Sad, but mostly grateful.

Update: I got a call from the nurse today. I mentioned to her that I've been having cramps for the past few days. I thought I was getting cysts from the meds (could still be possible), but she said it is likely due to the fact that AF is on her way. Great. So that's that...it is confirmed that our FET was a BFN.