Still holding my breath...

Four months since my last post - I can't believe it! I've been extremely busy with work and haven't had much time to blog.

Things are still setting in that our 1st IVF cycle actually worked.  I am 23 weeks now and feeling great. I haven't had any common pregnancy symptoms, except the following -

- get up in the middle of the night to pee
- hungry all the time
- a little trouble sleeping

I feel like I've been holding my breath since the day we got our BFP.  I'll probably feel this way until I'm finally holding our little baby in my arms. Countdown is 4 months :)

symptoms, where are you?

According to my 'what to expect' app on my iphone, I am currently 6 weeks 5 days pregnant. I've been searching for symptoms since the day after transfer. Each day that passed, I thought I felt twinges, stretching, etc. But in reality, I didn't feel anything. I felt and have felt (for the most part), very normal. I could almost say that I feel better than normal. Maybe being pregnant has finally stabilized my hormones or something because I feel better than pre-pregnancy. My mother-in-law once told me that when she was pregnant with DH, she felt amazing. Maybe I'll be the same? But deep down I'm begging for symptoms! Symptoms will let me know that baby is indeed still there. That baby is growing and using my body for support. 


Here are a few 'symptoms', if I can call them that, that I've experienced -  

• I haven't really been interested in inter.course. DH and I did the deed the night before our beta. It felt like things were pretty tight up there and it was pretty painful for me. Poor DH, he also has his needs...ha. Since then we decided to use lubri.cated con.doms to help. It was quite hilarious embarrassing purchasing con.doms and a box of pregnancy tests at the pharmacy. I wonder what the cashier was thinking? Oh well.
• As far as my CM, well it's been increasingly watery (but dry during inter.course). I have to wear a panty liner everyday and change it about three times a day. In the first few weeks after our BFP, my CM was sort of smelly, but that has since gone away.
• more TMI - instead of being constipated, I've actually had to go to the bathroom about three times a day. Not diarrhea, just normal BM. Very strange.
• I haven't noticed that my bo.obs are bigger, only that my nip.ples look different. The little bumps around the nip.ple have increased, but other than that they don't hurt much. 
• One of the first clues was that my temperature stayed above 98°F, which has never happened to me 11dpo. I continued to take my temp for a couple of weeks after our BFP, you know, because I'm the insane Infertile...
• The day after 3dt, I began Crin.one 8% (progest.erone), and that's when the acne began. I can't really say this has been a symptom - I think it's mostly due to the progest.erone.
• I didn't used to have to get out of bed in the middle of the night to pee, and that has become a daily thing now.
• Almost everyday, I tell DH that I'm worried it's not true, that I'm not really pregnant. I tell him that I have no symptoms and he disagrees. He says "first of all, yesterday you wanted to eat Lo Mein noodles, which you don't really like." I didn't really think about it much, just suddenly started thinking about Lo Mein. So we went out and had Chinese food for dinner. Today after work I couldn't stop thinking about cupcakes. I finally got one during our trip to the grocery store. Again, I don't know if this is just all in my head. DH thinks it's weird and believes it's a symptom.
• Lately I have had some food aversions - I normally absolutely love chocolate, but haven't really wanted any in the last few weeks. I read that pregnant women usually crave it, so again, I'm the strange one I suppose.  Last week I really wanted carrots and hummus, so out we went to the grocery store. I had this as a snack at work for about a day. A day - because that's how long that craving lasted. I now can't stand raw carrots or hummus. Also, DH was cooking fish the other day, and the house smelled disgusting. Well, to me it smelled awful. Since then I haven't wanted fish.
• Tired - I have been tired lately, but I don't know if it's due to the fact that I have cut out drinking coffee in the morning. Who knows?

So there you have it, not the typical pregnancy symptoms, but I guess they're "my" unique symptoms. With all three of my medicated IUIs I had more normal symptoms (twinges, moodiness, sore breasts, tired, etc). I'm still praying that I'll have a few more concrete clues that there's a baby growing in there. 

A heartbeat

This morning DH and I headed to the clinic bright and early. We didn't know what to expect, but we kept praying that we would at least see ONE heartbeat. To ease our nerves, we started going through names on my iphone baby names app.  It helped distract us and turned out to be quite amusing. I think we're going to have a tough time deciding on a name, but fortunately, we have some time. Well, hopefully... :-/

Once at the clinic, the nurse inserted the dildocam and within a few seconds found a little heartbeat! A heartbeat! We were both in total and complete awe. We got to see it flicker on the screen for a few minutes (I wish it could have been longer!) and then the nurse measured the baby & heartbeat. The baby is measuring 6 weeks 2 days, about two days behind of what we thought, but the nurse said it was nothing to worry about... but, of course, I worry.  The heartbeat was nice and strong, so that was very reassuring. The baby looked so tiny on the screen and looked like it was just cozily tucked away on one side of my uterus.  I think it's arms are still forming, but in the picture the nurse gave us, it looks like there's a little arm waving... at least, that's what I like to think :)

On the flip side, the nurse found a fibroid in my uterus & could see cysts in one of my ovaries. She said that both fibroid and cysts should go away on their own, but I will be monitored in two weeks to make sure things still look okay.

During dinner tonight, DH blessed our food and in his prayer he thank God for the precious miracle of our tiny little baby.  I can not even express how happy it makes me feel to see him so excited. It warms every inch of my heart.

We only got to keep one picture of our baby, it's not the best, but it's our very first. Here are two views of the same picture -

The baby is the little blob on the left side of the picture. That tiny little thing!

We go back in about 2 weeks for another ultrasound.  At that point, the RE will decide if we can graduate to the OB/GYN. Woohoo!

Praying that our tiny little one continues to grow. Thank you for your messages and twitter comments. I couldn't have made it this far without your love and support.

Cycle #31... our news (11dp3dt)

This morning I woke up, POAS and hid it under the bathroom sink.  I decided I would leave it there ALL day long and not look at it until after work.  I headed to the RE clinic around 6:30 am, once there I got my blood drawn, then headed home to shower and get ready for work. I was pretty much at peace about everything - I don't really know why. That peace made me have the self control to not look at the stick in the bathroom.

Fortunately, I was very busy at work today.  I didn't have much time to really think about the enormity of today.  In the afternoon, I noticed that the RE's office had called and left a message.  I was too scared and nervous to listen, plus I wanted to listen to the news with DH.

After work, I walked my dog, ate a snack and waited another hour and a half for DH to get home.  Once he arrived, we headed straight to the bathroom together. I reached under the sink for the stick... from afar I only saw one line (the control line)... then, as I got closer, I saw it.... I saw that 2nd line!  I showed it to DH, he looked at it confused (he really didn't know what to look for - poor guy, he's not as obsessed with staring at pee sticks as I am).  

Here's what we got:

Not the darkest line, but more than I've ever seen!

After I collected myself, we listened to the message from the RE's office.  The nurse started off in a somber tone, nonchalant, and neutral. Her tone stayed the same as she uttered the words "Congratulations, your blood test was positive." Absolutely no excitement in her voice.  She totally failed the 'tell-the-infertile-she's-pregnant test." 

So, it's confirmed, we are pregnant!!! DH and I are both in complete and total shock.  We've NEVER seen a BFP. Here we are, after 31 cycles of TTC (including 3 medicated IUIs), our 1st IVF finally gave us a positive.

I haven't had any symptoms per se - my boobs look different and I've noticed that my temperature has stayed at 98°F and not dropped like it usually does around this time of the month.

We were told to schedule a prenatal visit for 2 weeks from now... so once again, we're in another kind of 2ww, but I like this one much better...ha.  I was also instructed to continue with Crinone 8% (progesterone) for a while.

Please join me in praying for baby(ies), that they continue to grow and make their home in my womb.

Thank you all for your encouragement, prayers, and thoughtful words! 

2ww - 9dp3dt

I feel back to normal.  The night after my retrieval I woke up in great pain.  I had massive cramps and almost fainted and came close to vomiting in the bathroom.  DH came to my rescue wondering if he should fill my prescription of Vicodin for my pain.

I decided to drink more water and take more Tylenol.  I got back in bed, and after some shivering, I was somehow able to fall back asleep.  In the morning, I felt like my insides were on fire, and every time I moved, my abdomen hurt like hell.

I came very close to calling in to work, but I had several important meetings scheduled, so I decided to try to brave it. In the end, I was able to make it all day without calling it quits.  However, when I got home, I crashed pretty early.

The next day, I felt like I was back to myself.  I've been weighing myself daily and drinking lots of water to prevent OHSS.  Everything seems to be okay.

The 2ww hasn't been too bad this time around. Perhaps because I've been really busy with work. I'm anxious and nervous about Tuesday (Mar. 6) - the day of my beta.  2 more days!!! I've wondered if I should do a HPT before finding out the results, but I'm scared.

I've thought about it and have decided to POAS in the morning before my beta, but not look at the test.  Head to work after going to the clinic, come home, look at the HPT, and then listen to my voicemail with the news of either 'negative' or 'positive.'  I don't want to find out from the nurse first, but I want to have both bases covered. DH thinks I'm insane (IF has kinda made me that way), but I think this way will be better for me emotionally.  I've seen and heard too many negatives; I'm just trying to play it safe.  I don't want to find out at work, because either way (- or +), it will be hard for me to concentrate.  Waiting until after work, gives me enough time to process everything and talk it out with DH.

So that's the plan!

Hoping and praying our embies are still in there growing.

Day-5

After our transfer on Friday, the doctor asked if we would like to allow the remaining 11 embryos to grow until Day 5 to see if any can be frozen. We, of course, said yes.

Today, we received a call from the nurse, and were told that out of the 11, only 1 made it to freeze.  The rest didn't grow enough and arrested. I'm pretty sad, but I have hope that that lonely embryo could one day make it to transfer... well, at least I pray that it makes it...

In the meantime, I wait and pray that our two embryos are currently making my uterus their abode.  Please embies, make yourself at home!!!

Day-3 Transfer

On Friday, CD16, I went in with a full bladder for our transfer.  

It was probably the best part of IVF that I've experienced so far. 

Our clinic had 8 transfers scheduled for that day, and we were the very first ones. I was asked to change into a hospital gown, hair net, and socks.  DH was given scrubs and asked to put them over his clothes, along with a hair net, and shoe covers.  We went back to the OR, where I had my retrieval - it's a pretty creepy place if you ask me - and I was instructed by a nurse on how to position myself. 

Our two little embies were displayed on a big monitor with my name and birthdate. Amazing little things! Then, the doc put in the catheter, tested it out on the ultrasound, and then another embryologist brought our embryos and shot them into the catheter.  

The coolest thing happened next - we saw a bright little star shine across the screen! Like a shooting star in the sky.  DH was holding my hand the whole time - he was smiling ear-to-ear after he saw our shooting star.  It was the first time in this IF rollercoaster that I saw his emotions take true hold of him.  I wish we could have watched our embies some more, but before I knew it, we were being rushed out of the OR. I guess other couples were waiting to see their shooting stars too... We were then handed a picture of our embryos.  

Introducing, Embryo Cuatro and Embryo Siete :)

On the left - 4 cell, 3 grade embryo... On the right - 7 cell, 3 grade embryo... I fell in love!

Apparently there are different ways of grading embryos - our clinic grades 1-4, with 4 being the highest, so these two were the highest grade I had.  The 11 others were not the best, and our doctor gave us the option to wait and see how they grow up until Day 5 before being able to tell if they would make it to freeze.

Right now, I'm praying that our two embies are settling well into my uterus. That they'll implant and turn into a beautiful combination of us. I can't stop looking at this picture - I'm in awe that we at least get to see what our DNA looks like combined :)

Fert report

The nurse from our RE clinic called to let us know that we have 13 fertilized eggs! We have 13 embryos!!!

I'm very happy that at least we know we can fertilize :).  Now we wait and see how many continue to grow and hope we have two good ones for our 3-day transfer on Friday.

Retrieval

Today is CD12.  We woke up at around 8:30 am, showered, *DH produced his part of the deal*, and we headed off to the clinic. Once there we delivered DH's part and waited in the lobby to be called in for my retrieval.

At around 10:15 am, I was called back to the nurses station and asked to changed into a hospital gown, put a hairnet on, and warm socks. DH accompanied me most of the time. The nurse checked my heart rate, and took my temperature, then she explained what I should be expecting.  I wasn't allowed to wear make-up, earrings, or anything in my hair (like a hairband), or even contact lenses, so I'm pretty sure I looked terrible. This was no fashion show, for sure! ha...

Then came the anesthesiologist and asked a few questions - do I normally get seasick or carsick, allergies, etc. Out of everyone I'd met, he was NOT the warmest fellow - everything seemed kinda mundane to him; he was so nonchalant.  He inserted the IV - I'm not a huge fan of needles, but I've gotten semi used to them since having to give myself injections - I just looked away for a minute and it was all done!  I'm sure the anesthesiologist does this so much that he actually figured out how to put an IV in without causing pain... actually, I'm sure he has and I'm glad there was no pain.

At about 10:45 am, I gave DH a kiss and I was led by a nurse to the OR.  I've never been in an OR before, only seen them on TV, so I thought it was really creepy.  The nurse instructed me on how to get on the operating table, she provided a warm blanket, and then helped me get my legs in two hanging stirrups. I looked pretty silly with my legs hanging, but everyone in the OR (nurses, anesthesiologist, embryologist) acted completely normal... I guess they do many retrievals, that seeing my legs hanging from some pretty crazy stirrups doesn't faze them anymore.

I think I was lying down for about 3 minutes, when the anesthesiologist said I would feel a little sting in my arm.  At that moment I remember thinking "Okay, I'll pray now"... and the next thing I know I'm waking up in the recovery area sitting in a recliner all bundled up with blankets.  There was a clock in front of me on the wall, the time read 11:09 am. I felt really sleepy. A nurse came by and asked how I was feeling, and apparently (she told me later) I said that I was tired and fell asleep again. I woke up at about 11:40 am and remembered the embryologist coming by to tell me he had retrieved 21 eggs. I guess I was pretty groggy when he came by because I thought he told me that in a dream.  The nurse came by and confirmed that indeed we had 21 eggs.

I think it's interesting that we had 21 eggs retrieved on Feb. 21, 2012. Hmmm.... hope this means good luck :)

At about 11:45 am, DH was called from the lobby and joined me in the recovery area as I devoured some animal crackers and ginger-ale that the nurse had given me.  I was so hungry!

Once I was feeling completely back to normal, one of the nurses handed me my bag of clothes and led me to the bathroom, where I changed.

At about 12:15 pm, DH got the car and drove it to the pick-up area (which was in the back of the clinic). The nurse helped me out and we were off... next stop... Burger King! haha... I was starving and for some reason really wanted Burger King.  I'm not sure why. I'm not a huge fan of fast food, but I was craving it like a madwoman!

After lunch, we arrive home around 1:00 pm.  I rested on the couch for seven hours with my gallon of water next to me, finished a book, and watched some reality TV.  I was feeling okay, but did start feeling quite a bit of discomfort on hour #4 or so. I took some Tylenol, which seemed to relieve most of the pain.

I'm off to bed at 9:00 pm. Tomorrow I'm dreading going back to work. I wish I could have taken more time off, but I just started a new job, and we've kept our IVF completely private from my employer.

Good night everyone! Tonight I pray that we have a good fertilization report.

Monitoring

So far, monitoring has been as follows:

CD6 blood work & ultrasound: things looking good
CD9 blood work & ultrasound: follies growing
CD10 blood work & ultrasound: 17 measurable follicles, Ovidrel trigger shot at 11:00 pm

One.step.closer.

Tomorrow is retrieval and I am so nervous! I've never been under anesthesia, so this is quite scary for me.  I'm not sure what to expect, and hope that everything goes smoothly. I was told not to eat or drink anything after midnight tonight.  We have to be at the clinic at 10:00 am before surgery.  Headed to bed - going to try to get as much sleep as possible.

Prayers are appreciated.

I never thought I would be this excited about AF's arrival

This is probably the only time, since I can remember, that I was looking forward to AF's arrival.  It means I start stimulating hormones in a few days so that my follies can grow for our first IVF cycle.  It's cycle #31 of trying to conceive - I've said this before, but I hope this is the one!

Hi, my name is Lup.ron

Today I received a large bag of medicines - it sort of felt like Christmas... ha... (only an infertile would say that ;)

Our goodie bag included:
1 vial of Lup.ron
1 box of 20+ injections
alcohol wipes
3 boxes of 900 iu/each of Gon.al F
1 box of Cri.none
1 pre-filled Ovi.drel injection...

phew! I feel like a total druggie!

On CD21 of cycle #30 of TTC, I began 10 units of Lup.ron.  The needle was a little bigger than the Ovi.drel pre-filled injection needle, so needless to say, it was a bit intimidate. I decided to give myself the shot in the abdomen, and once I start Gon.al F, I'll do that one in the leg (and alternate each day). It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - just stung a bit, but overall it wasn't bad... I guess it's not bad for someone that has done three medicated cycles of IUI. The only difference this time was the addition of Lup.ron & Cri.none.

I'm very ready to start our first IVF, and hope that we have great success. Here we go!

It looks like I've lost count...maybe it's cycle #30 now

It's been quite some time since I last posted.   IUI #2 ended up not working, followed by a IUI #3 fail.  Right before the holidays. Needless to say, 2011 ended terrible.

I ended up getting a job, which I'm thankful for because we really need the funds to pay our bills.  However, I'm not all that excited about it - it's definitely not a position I would want to have for a very long time.  It seems like I'm still trying to find my purpose in life and it has really affected my day-to-day motivation as well as my marriage. I can't seem to be content with anything in my life right now. I'm not happy with where we live - missing my friends, and my family more than I ever have. Feeling really bitter towards DH because he seems to want to stay in school forever.  I'm tired of living like college students. I'm tired of being so worried about how we're going to pay our bills.  I'm worried that we'll never have a family and live a normal life.

I'm rambling and I can't stop.

I should be grateful for overall health (except having to deal with IF), having a roof over our heads, and getting a job, at where others would think is a pretty cool place. But I'm not happy with any of this... I just want DH to be finished with school, get a job, and move closer to our friends and our family.  I want to live in a home we can afford. I want to pay off our debt. I want to find a job I love. I want a family of our own.

And the rambling continues...

I'm trying to be happy and content with my life in this moment... This year... But I can't seem to see my purpose here on earth... I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that most of this doesn't even make sense. I'm trying my best to express how I feel so that I can try to understand myself.  I don't know what 2012 holds, but I'm praying it's better than the past couple of years.  Yet, at the same time, I'm really terrified that things will only get worse - which only makes me feel tense every second of the day.

Anyways, on the IF journey, we have been approved for IVF.  I should be jumping up for joy, right? But I'm not. I'm grateful, but still really sad that it has come to this.  That for some reason we were chosen to be 'The One in Eight Couple'.  I'm pretty bitter and angry about falling into that category. I hate it and didn't know how much it would brake me.  Maybe one day I'll look back and think that it was meant to be, that it was for a reason, but right now I'm mad that we have to go through this.

It's just not fair.

I start Lup.ron later this week for IVF.  I don't even know if I'm excited.  I just feel numb. I've been hurt by seeing so many BFNs, that I can't seem to even dream about it being any other way.

I guess that's what the Infertility Bitch has done to me.